Pages

Thursday, April 19, 2018

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at  73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street.I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen TV, his DVR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder.......

(That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:

'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."



And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Big Brother's Watching You!!

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms
and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That's what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an
undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and
all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV,
where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

Wednesday, April 04, 2018

For higher IQs?

Acupuncture is a jab well done

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

WISDOM of PHYLLIS DILLER

As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
 -Phyllis Diler
  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?  -Phyllis Diller
 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
 The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
 -Phyllis Diller
 Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out.
 -Phyllis Diller
 A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
 -Phyllis Diller
 I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then I want to move in with them.
 -Phyllis Diller

 Most children threaten at times to run away from home.  This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
 -Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
 -Phyllis Diller
 We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
 -Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
 What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
 -Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
 -Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

 Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller
 Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
 -Phyllis Diller
 I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
 -Phyllis Diller
 The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
 -Phyllis Diller

 You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

Saturday, March 24, 2018

A heart-warming Positive Attitude

One must always keep a positive attitude in this life - in sickness, in health, good or bad times it really helps…!!


Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in hospital, in agony. He was in ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring his every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable.

“You….. May… Not… Feel… Anything…. From… The… Waist… Down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits then? “

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE !