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Tuesday, January 28, 2020

A Few More Thoughts!

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" ... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.

I've had my patience tested.  I'm negative.

If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I don't remember much from last night. But the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Monday, December 02, 2019

A Few Thoughts

"I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight."

"I went to a fundraising cheese and wine party at the French Embassy. The ethos was very much liberté, egalité, canapé."

"I tell my friends I'm here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I'm only here for them on 24 July."

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’"

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

"A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy."

"I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well.'"

"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'"

"A Geordie said to me, 'Are yous looking at us?' How many mistakes can you make in one sentence?"

"I'm posh but I don't take any stick for it. It's like I always say, sticks and stones may break my bones but f*** it, I'm with Bupa."

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

Monday, November 25, 2019

The Meaning of Aplomb

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

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"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

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"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

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InThe Times I found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

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"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

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"Aplomb," My Lord.

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"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

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"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

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"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

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"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

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"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

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"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

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"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

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"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

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"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

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"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

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"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
 
That, Carson, is aplomb.”

Only a farm kid would see it this way!

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or Mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.

I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

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