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Saturday, January 27, 2018

Marital longevity

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.  Now .. I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV; but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”  

My wife being a very reasonable woman…  told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.  


Aren’t older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

Friday, January 26, 2018

For Whom The Bell Tolls ..........

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible 

Thursday, January 25, 2018

The Parrot

During a lull between the speeches at a White House ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know Rex, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot !"

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Marriages are made in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. 

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW (The Best Yet)

Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Mick, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the
question you got wrong."

Mick, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down,
‘Neither do I.’

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Never lie to a rabbi

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favour. I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. The wise rabbi eventually became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The rabbi smiled, and putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said: "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"