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Saturday, November 10, 2018

The Hitch-hiker

Picked up a hitch-hiker.
Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? 

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.       

Friday, October 26, 2018

Letter to USA as a response to the Brexit negotiations

To all the citizens of the United States of America - from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA (the current one being a shining example) and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II ,will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealth and territories, except Kansas which she does not fancy. (ps  Originally Oregon which she has now forgiven).

The current Prime Minister, here in England, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed!

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

Also, do please note that the last letter in the alphabet is (pronounced)   as "ZED" , and not ZEE.

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English!  The English Language was derived from LATIN - yours have no origin. Only bits and pieces collected from 'grunts', 'coughs', 'sneezing' and Farting.   We will let Microsoft know.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.!

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. It will henceforth be known as "Yankee Fool's Day"

4. You will learn to resolve personal differences without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists, shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.(p.s "Grouse-the bird, not a quarrel!)

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour!

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol ,(which you have been calling  "Gas" or "Gasoline" ) of roughly $10/US gallon. Our cars run on Petrol, NOT Gas! Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with 'ketchup' but with salt & vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer, is not actually beer at all!  Henceforth, only proper British Beers will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them!  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in" Four Weddings and a Funeral " was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater!.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest and a grope, every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of 'poofters').

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the  "World series" that does not include the real world, the world has more countries than USA.  You will learn the gentleman's game of Cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (currently trying to stop cheating) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.  Please note, the exclamation "NO BALL" -is nothing personal! Neither is "short leg","fine leg" and "good shot"!

13. You must tell us why you began to call  members of the medical profession  "DUCK -TERR's".   Your countrymen call Anaesthetists ,"Anaesthesiologists" ! Another lengthy 'smokescreen to hide their mistakes?!! These of course they tend to bury.

14.  Finally, your entire nation needs to educate yourselves on "HUMILITY", not to run 'roughshod' over others and/or their respective countries. Poverty is an 'accident' of fate, "Hillbilly music is not! "

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government, will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all taxes and monies due (backdated to 1776).

16.  The Daily 'Tea Time' begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with cucumber sandwiches, high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Confessions

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say a few words of his own while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Golfing Accident

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!” “Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?”

“The good news is...I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and so I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

“Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

"That's wonderful," said the surgeon. “Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”

“That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success. Are you having any side effects?”

"Well, just two", said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection I get a headache.”

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Entertainment Night

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance."Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain."I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see."It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" yelled Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and

Claude was never invited back there again!!