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Thursday, December 07, 2017

Trump in Israel

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?


 The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that risk.'

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION......

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
                  
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'         
        
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. 
              
Since she needed a good cleanup, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.                   

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'                     

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the  door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...  Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Friday, December 01, 2017

Chinese wedding night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.  On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.   He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.  I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.  You juss ask.  Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.  She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls...  Numbaa 69.' 

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want.......  garlic chicken wif snow peas?    

Thursday, November 23, 2017

A small assortment

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Senate, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.



The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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A dog lover, whose bitch came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her dog separated.  But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

------------------------------------------------------- 

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing now.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel, under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water .....under his wife's supervision!

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Anagrams



              Being a bit of a mathematician I particularly loved the last one!


 

 

Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble..

PRESBYTERIAN
 :
BEST IN PRAYER 

ASTRONOMER
:
MOON STARER 

DESPERATION
:
A ROPE ENDS IT 

THE EYES
: 
THEY SEE
 

GEORGE BUSH:
HE BUGS GORE
 

THE MORSE CODE
:
HERE COME DOTS
 

DORMITORY
:
DIRTY ROOM 

SLOT MACHINES
:
CASH LOST IN ME
 

ANIMOSITY
:
IS NO AMITY 

ELECTION RESULTS
: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 

SNOOZE ALARMS
:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

A DECIMAL POINT
:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE  

THE EARTHQUAKES
:
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

MOTHER-IN-LAW
:
WOMAN HITLER 

AND FINALLY

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
:
TWELVE PLUS ONE 





















Monday, November 20, 2017

Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.  

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 

"Honey, would you have sex with me?”

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”

"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her 

“No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?” 

"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!” 

“No way. It’s just too risky!” 

“Oh please, please I love you so much!” 

“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!” 

“Oh yes you can. Please?” 

“No, no. I just can’t!” 

“I’m begging you . . . “ 

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"