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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.  



With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 



"Honey, would you have sex with me?”



Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”



"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her 



“No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?” 



"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!” 



“No way. It’s just too risky!” 



“Oh please, please I love you so much!” 



“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!” 



“Oh yes you can. Please?” 



“No, no. I just can’t!” 



“I’m begging you . . . “ 



Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:



“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.'






I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

But . . . . . . . 

















. . . both result in a slow, lingering, painful death.

Monday, November 07, 2016

Classroom Dialogue

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!

TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says "School Ahead, Go Slow".

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, thats wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Winnie, name an important thing we have today, we didnt have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentance starting with "I".
MILLIE: I is ....
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say "I am".
MILLIE: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted to doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?"
CLYDE: No, teacher, its the same dog!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!!

Thursday, November 03, 2016

A Couple of Golden Oldies!

A dog lover, whose bitch came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her dog separated.  But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.


===========================================================

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing now.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminium and steel, under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water
.....under his wife's supervision

Friday, September 16, 2016

Rules to Live Your Life By

A selection of rules which might help you live your life to the full!

Allens Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions.

Billings Law: - Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Boks: - If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Bowies Theorem: - If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Computer Maxim: - To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Donsens Law: - The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

Donohues Law: - Whats worth doing is worth doing for money.

Evvie Nefs Law: - There is a solution to every problem, the only difficulty is finding it.

Fischers Finding: - Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, the chances are that you wont either.

Franklins Law: - Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

Gettys Reminder: - The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.

Goldwyns Law of Contract: - A verbal contract isnt worth the paper it is written on.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

A Dead Duck Story

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."