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Thursday, June 16, 2022

THE GIGGLE AUSTRALIA

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."  😂🤣

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Quotes to Remember

 If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


Friday, January 07, 2022

Quotes from the Past Century

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~ Jean Kerr...   

The only reason they say "   Women and children first"   is to test the strength of the lifeboats.  

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~ Prince Philip...   
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.  


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~ Emo Philips...   
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.  


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~ Harrison Ford...   
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.  

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~ Spike Milligan...   
The best cure for  sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

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~ Jean Rostand...   
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

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~  Arnold Schwarzenegger...   
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars ,  but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

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~ WH Auden...   
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.  

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~ Jonathan Katz...   
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

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~ Johnny Carson...   
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

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~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).   
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

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~ Steve Martin...   
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.  

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~ Jimmy Durante...   
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

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~ George Roberts...   
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

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~ Jonathan Winters...   
If God had intended us to fly ,  he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

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~ Robert Benchley...  
I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it.  

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~ John Glenn...  
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind   :  every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  

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~ David Letterman...   
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.  

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~ Howard Hughes...   
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.  

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~ Old Italian proverb...   
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS!  

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit. 

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
 
And one more:
         "One for the road" means using the bathroom before you leave the house.

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Who pays the Checker?

Here is a relevant question which the US Congress will have to debate:

Who pays the Checker?

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, would public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto? "If You gotta pee - We gotta see!

Tour of a whisky distillery.

 It’s probably heretical, but must be seen in the public interest.