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Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Paraprosdokians

A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
 
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
 
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
 
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
 
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
 
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
 
Money is the root of all wealth. 

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, Only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.

CONFUCIUS SAY: A Lion will not cheat on wife, but a Tiger Wood.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Favourite Sex Positions

Two Navy Stokers were out on the Quarterdeck talking about their favourite sex positions.

 One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other Stoker. “What is it?”

“Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind,

then you reach around and cup her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,

“Boy, these feel just like your sister's.”



“Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.


After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Disney has a lot to answer for!!

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald duck!”

Thursday, April 19, 2018

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at  73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street.I don't even have to cross the road!

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Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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