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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Life According to Peter Kay

PETER KAY THEORIES

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

PETER KAY'S QUESTIONS

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in
France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in
China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you here is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Age v Youth

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with old farts...experience and treachery will always overcome youth and muscle; polished bull-s--t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Accountants


What's the definition of an accountant?

    - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
    - Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's an auditor?
    - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
    - Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
    - Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.



An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
    "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
    "Have you tried counting sheep?"
    "That's the problem -- I make a mistake and then spend three hours
    trying to find it."

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

3-minute management course.

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.