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Tuesday, June 26, 2018

True Stories

"True Stories" taken from the pages of our press:- 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
 

Monday, June 25, 2018

Marriage Lessons!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord,if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

Lessons for Management

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management Lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
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Thursday, June 21, 2018

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Wonderful English from Around the World ....

Cocktail Lounge, Norway: 
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's Office, Rome: 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. 

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: 
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. 

A Nairobi Restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER!

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: 
TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. 

On a poster at Kencom: 
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP?

In a City restaurant: 
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. 

In a Cemetery: 
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: 
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. 

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: 
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. 

In a Tokyo Bar: 
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. 

Hotel, Yugoslavia: 
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID. 

Hotel, Japan: 
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. 

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: 
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: 

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. 

Hotel, Zurich: 
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE. 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: 
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: 
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.    

A Laundry in Rome: 
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Paraprosdokians

A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
 
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
 
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
 
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
 
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
 
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
 
Money is the root of all wealth. 

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, Only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.

CONFUCIUS SAY: A Lion will not cheat on wife, but a Tiger Wood.