Why Men are so much better !!

Men Are Just Happier People—

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You are first in line to the throne.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water theme park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water theme park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £1,000+. Morning suit rental-£100

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend .

Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Totally stupid but they made me laugh!

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
"Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a
kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The
guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star
sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I
can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I
couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went
on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He
said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not
promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he
says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're
closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me
again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He
then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced
on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three
counts

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said
"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to
do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out
The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Life According to Peter Kay

PETER KAY THEORIES

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

PETER KAY'S QUESTIONS

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you here is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Family planning....

Age v Youth

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with old farts...experience and treachery will always overcome youth and muscle; polished bull-s--t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Accountants

What's the definition of an accountant?

- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

- Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an auditor?

- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

- Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.



An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

3-minute management course.

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

Hangover Rating Chart

* 1 star hangover
---------------------
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you
woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from
all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the
Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


** 2 star hangover
----------------------
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your
employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light
filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


*** 3 star hangover
------------------------
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and
not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a
litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


**** 4 star hangover
-------------------------
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact
that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade
class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go
back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


***** 5 star hangover
---------------------------
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing
your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you
and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you
can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.


****** 6 star hangover
---------------------------
You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full
sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off
all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus
mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the
world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it
is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into
abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back
to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and
swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day
as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get
into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them
driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick
again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three
hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so!!

Another Irish Joke

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leaves the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Conner Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE:-

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi Paddy, watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm
never trying dat parrotshotting either!". Always

ITS NOT OVER YET (even though you wish it was)


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Innocent Eyes!

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well,
we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden."

The Spell Checker

A poem for those of you who rely on their Spell Checker:-

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

The Offside Rule Explained for Ladies

This is to help with the world cup preparations so you can talk with knowledge

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

Not difficult to understand at all!

The Tax Inspector

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "..but we save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete nob."

This is creepy!

I received this email from a very good friend today and thought you might appreciate it.

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between
A and W.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.

.
.

.

.

.

.

.

Keep going ............................ . .

Don't stop . . ..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


Think of an

animal

that begins

with that letter.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Repeat it

out loud

as you

scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Think of

either a man's/woman's

name

that

begins

with the

last letter

in the

animals name

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Almost

there........

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Now

count out

the letters

in that name

on the fingers

of the hand

you are not

using to

scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Take the

hand you

counted with

and hold it out

in front of you

at face level

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Look at your

palm

very closely

and

notice

the

lines

in

your

hand

.

.

.

.

Do the lines

take the

form of the

first letter

in the

persons name?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. Of course they f**kin dont.......

.

.

.

.Now smack

yourself in the head, get a life,

and

quit playing

stupid

e-mail games!

.

.

.

.

Don't

tell the secret

to others,

just send

them this e-mail!

This is amazing!!!!

It's mad I couldn't believe it, check it out. This website is amazing.

They actually have photographs of almost every School in the World.

Unless you went to School when cameras weren't invented, you will find a photo of yourself or at least your classmates. Click on the link below or type it into your search line.

www.worldschoolphotographs.com

You have to enter the name of your school and Year that you were there.

Irish Technology

After digging to a depth of 1000 feet last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug
2000 feet and headlines in the U.K. Papers read: "English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 feet , Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology."

Double entendres from British TV

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

John Virgo and Clive Everton appear sidetracked during snooker: "It's not hard enough Clive, it's not going to go in"

Peter Alliss sizes up Colin Montgomerie: "He's a big man, but with no more than an average length shaft"

THREE LITTLE DUCKS GO INTO A BAR...

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said
Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second
duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes........



"My name is Puddles."

Department of Psychology Study

An interesting study conducted by the Department of Psychology at UCLA has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

The study revealed that while a woman is ovulating, she tends to be attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, when she is menstruating she tends to prefer looking at a man with a knife lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.

Further studies are not planned.

Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Thomas the tank engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kitchen."

F1 News

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Employment scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for....At the crew's first practice session yesterday, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Thanks for those emails!

Hi, my first post for a week or two is an email recently received from a friend of mine, Debbie:-

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.


* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (BST) tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

DO IT NOW OR ELSE.

And have a nice day!

Debs

So, if YOU have any interesting emails - please forward them to me and all your friends!!!!