Wednesday, March 28, 2018


As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
 -Phyllis Diler
  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?  -Phyllis Diller
 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
 The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
 -Phyllis Diller
 Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out.
 -Phyllis Diller
 A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
 -Phyllis Diller
 I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then I want to move in with them.
 -Phyllis Diller

 Most children threaten at times to run away from home.  This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
 -Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
 -Phyllis Diller
 We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
 -Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
 What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
 -Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
 -Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

 Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller
 Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
 -Phyllis Diller
 I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
 -Phyllis Diller
 The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
 -Phyllis Diller

 You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

Saturday, March 24, 2018

A heart-warming Positive Attitude

One must always keep a positive attitude in this life - in sickness, in health, good or bad times it really helps…!!

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in hospital, in agony. He was in ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring his every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable.

“You….. May… Not… Feel… Anything…. From… The… Waist… Down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits then? “


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Rugby Tickets

England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham

This may be of interest to one of you.

A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"  She calls on little Johnny. He
replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher
replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."  Then Little
Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.  There are three women sitting on a
bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
The third is biting off the top of the ice-cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal replied "Well I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"  To which Little Johnny replied, "The
correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,.....but I like your

------------------------------ ----------------------------

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is  2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

------------------------------ ----------------------------

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,''Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class.  Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'' Little Johnny waves his hand, ''Me, Miss Rogers,
me, me!''
Miss Rogers says, ''All right, little Johnny what is your multi-syllable
Little Johnny says, ''Mas-tur-bate.''
Miss Rogers smiles and says, ''Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.''
Little Johnny says, ''No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

------------------------------ ----------------------------

Little Johnny is passing by his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act*.  Before dad can even react,
Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your
back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get
bucked off !"

------------------------------ ----------------------------

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

------------------------------ ----------------------------

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed
to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the
word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little
Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a ten!!!"

------------------------------ ----------------------------

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was

pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'