Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Wild Rover

Sitting in the pub the other night, someone started singing The Wild Rover.

Fortunately, he only new the first verse (his voice was even worse than mine). For anyone else who is desperate to know the full version, here it is:-

The Wild Rover

I’ve been a wild rover for many a year,
And I spent all my money on whiskey and beer,
But now I’m returning with gold in great store,
And I never will play the wild rover no more.

And it’s no, nay, never
No, nay, never, no more,
Will I play the rover
No never, no more.

I went into to an ale house I used to frequent,
And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked her for credit, but she answered me “Nay.
Such custom like yours I could have any day.”

And it’s no, nay, never
No, nay, never, no more,
Will I play the rover
No never, no more.

I pulled from my pocket ten sovereigns bright,
And the landlady’s eyes opened wide with delight,
“The words that I said sir were only in jest,
For you I have whiskeys and wines of the best.”

And it’s no, nay, never
No, nay, never, no more,
Will I play the rover
No never, no more.

I’ll go home to my parents, confess what I’ve done,
And I’ll ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they caress me as oft times before,
I never will play the wild rover no more!

So next time you are out on a sing-a-long lets here the full version belted out (Remember it always sounds better after several pints of beer - preferably Guiness!!)

Monday, February 26, 2007

Odds Favor Clinton, Obama and McCain for U.S. President

San Jose, Costa Rica – February 26, 2007 – With the United States presidential nominations on the horizon and impending elections in 2008, bettors are flocking to sites like to put their money where their mouths are. Unlike many polls on Yahoo, AOL, Fox News and CNN, wagering sites offer a different insight into the minds of voters-to-be.

“Online bettors are not just interested in sporting events and are very serious about how they use their bankrolls,” says Dave Johnson, CEO of “It’s not luck when it comes to betting on the news. Instead of just answering a poll question, they maximize their profit by gathering as much information as possible and using that knowledge to their money making advantage.”

Favorites are determined by whichever item is receiving the most bets. In the case of the presidential nominations, Clinton and McCain are leading the pack. Odds are listed on the Betting Directory site

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

I have, unfortunately attended a couple of funerals lately and this has set me thinking which songs I would like played at my own funeral.

The one I have come up with as appropriate for the final music, as the curtains are drawing to hide the coffin before it is cremated is Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, from the ending of The Life of Brian, and I trust that Eric Idle will not mind me publishing it here.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that’s the thing.

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it’s your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ‘em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the right side of life…
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the bright side of life…
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life…
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life…

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's I go fishing."

Sunday, February 18, 2007

We All Love Lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It’s worth reading to the end!

Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

WITNESS: We both do.




WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dam Beavers

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division

******* Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: *******
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act,

I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers-but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to ontact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Tossers

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a tosser!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word tosser," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 0171 8xx-4xxx.

Keep reading, it gets better!

Chapter 2

An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure are a lot of tossers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 8xx-4xxx and yelling, "You're a tosser!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two tossers to call. Then, after several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial tosser #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up.

The tosser said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.

Then I called tosser #2.

He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, tosser!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your arse."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching the two tossers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Predict Father of Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter

San Jose, Costa Rica ; February 9, 2007

In the midst of the online “Celebetting” craze, bettors from are predicting who will be determined as the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s five month old daughter, Dannielynn. Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern and Prince Frederick von Anhalt top the list.

“Bettors are fascinated with wagering on everyday news, especially stories surrounding celebrities,” says Dave Johnson, CEO of “Whether it involves celebrity break ups or DUI arrests, our bettors call and write us showing overwhelming interest in betting on celebrities.”

The odds posted on are as follows:

Howard K. Stern 1:2 -$200 *Risk $200 to win $100

Larry Birkhead 1:1 +$100 *Risk $100 to win $100

Prince Frederick von Anhalt 2:1 +$200 *Risk $100 to win $200

Field (anyone else) 4:1 +$400 *Risk $100 to win $400

About WagerWeb, founded in 1997, is a privately held, offshore online gaming company, fully licensed and located in San Jose, Costa Rica. With nearly 10 years of experience, innovation and gaming technology, features a sportsbook, a racebook and casino including poker, and has accepted more than 59,000,000 wagers since the company’s launch.