Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Last 10p Coin

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play
with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going
blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the
coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking
woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts
her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down
his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze
and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and
tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands
the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar
without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

Monday, January 25, 2010

Bring back any memories?

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --I delivered a newspaper, seven days a week and had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'getting older' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

This was found on a QPR fans’ message board. It is absolute gold!

"I take more pleasure in seeing Chelsea lose than I do in seeing QPR win
at the moment.

I sat through so many matches when we were absolute dog**** under the
likes of Ray Harford and with people like Paul Bruce, Matthew Brazier
and Mark Perry in the squad and I never felt like this.

The club isn't ours anymore but moreso than that - football is just
properly gash these days.

I mean really gash.

football generally.

I hate nearly everything about it these days....

I hate the Prem and the myth that it is exciting this year. Man City
breaking into the top four isn't exciting. They spent loads of money.
It's no more exciting that Nameless **** getting to number 1 in the
charts after winning the X-Factor.

I hate the myth of Arsene's kids. Buying some French kid when he's 17,
playing him in the League Cup and then selling him when he's 20 after
about 3 appearances in the league is NOTHING SPECIAL.

I hate hearing about Liverpool/Man Utd's debt but nothing ever happening
about it. A club needs to go to the wall for the money thing to change
but it doesn't happen. Why the **** are Charlton, Leeds and Southampton
still in business?

I hate Frank Lampard's stupid ****ing face. I hate that Joe Cole's
tongue is never in his mouth, the downsy spacker. I hate John Terry
being England captain when he's CLEARLY AN OAF.

I hate young exciting wingers who have nothing but pace. Tony Scully had
nothing but pace.

I hate Harry ****ing Redknapp. And Jamie Redknapp. And Louise Redknapp..
And the Wii.

I hate Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer.

I hate Garth Crooks.

I hate Garth Brooks a lot for that matter.

I hate Sky Sports.

I hate that when a lower league player beats 10 players and chips the
keeper it doesn't matter but if Rooney scores from more than 20 yards
it's amazing.

I hate that female sports journos are now mandatory.

I hate Mark Lawrenson for not coming out. 'I do like a big man at the
back'. I bet you do.

I hate any advert that portrays football to be about anything other than
pain and disappointment.

I hate Lee Hughes and the fact that he makes a living from the game. I
hate Marlon King and any team that signs him when he gets out. I hate
that it'll probably be us.

I hate Phil Brown.

I hate 'well the ball is a lot lighter now and will cause goalkeepers
real problems this summer' before EVERY ****ING TOURNAMENT!

I hate that Kieron Dyer earned more in the time I took to write this
post than I'll earn this month.

I hate Adrian Durham, Ian Wright and Alan Brazil.

I hate Gazza. Either die or shut up. Stop ****ing lingering.

I hate hearing about Hillsborough more than I hear about Heysel or

I hate Leeds.

I hate Roy Keane.

I hate grown men wearing football shirts of their team whilst shopping
on a saturday when their team is playing at home.

I hate that I don't hate Roy Hodgson.

I hate Jermaine Beckford and any player who has neck tattoos.

I hate songs being inappropriately taken as club anthems and then sung
in a manly way. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles....'. Gaylords.

I hate Danny Dyer and anyone he's ever interviewed.

I hate the book 'Cass' by Cass Pennant. It is honestly the stupidest
thing I've ever read. Chapter 1: Millwall. 'Yeah we took 50 to Millwall.
They had 1000 in their mob but we ran 'em up and down the street'.
Chapter 2: Liverpool. 'Yeah we took 50 to Liverpool. They had 2000 in
their mob but we ran 'em up and down the street'. **** me... Jade
Goody's autobiography is probably better. Even her non-ghost written

I hate that all good youngsters end their careers at Spurs before they

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Ya, women neh

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Few One Liners.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what
I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I
think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub
her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d1ck and
say "well done"?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with
no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How
are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio.

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in
my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with
big blue hair."

Monday, January 11, 2010

A blonde's password

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Aussies Don't mince words

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just oneAustralian life, then I have only three things to say,'

'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'