Saturday, November 17, 2012

Vodka Christmas Cake

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake

1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. 

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. 

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver 

Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. .

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat! 

Wednesday, November 07, 2012


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a  Dublin  University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. 

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....  

Look Paddy....there's that fecking eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to expressthe truth differently without lying.

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, 
'I will not lie.' 
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Friday, November 02, 2012

Three Headed Giraffe

I have just heard from my photo news agency, that my photo of the "three headed" giraffe, has been used by The Perth Sunday Times.

It was published in the UK, in both the Daily Mail and Daily Mirror, in May this year. I'm afraid I dont have a copy of the Perth publication but you can see scans of the two UK ones here.

For those of you who haven't seen the photo before, here it is:

Three Headed Giraffe

If you wish to buy a  Print of this, visit Photo4Me, where you are able to chose from a standard canvas print, a canvas tryptich, a framed print, a print mounted on MDF or an acrylic print.
You can also order prints and cards from Fine Art America.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.