Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Credit crunch jokes

Jokes about the current financial crisis are spreading through offices, blogs and chat rooms.

According to psychologists, at times of crisis, humour can provide a vital way of expressing frustration at a baffling situation.

Here are a selection of the latest!

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new Ferrari's

The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds"
Mine or the banks?

Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."