Monday, October 31, 2011

My Photos

I was going to use this blog to display some of the photos that I had taken, but have instead, decided to start a web site to display them.

So if by any chance you are interested in photography in general, or in seeing my photos in particular, please visit my new site,

Monday, October 24, 2011

This is my kind of doctor!

Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,  but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of  days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home, too. "I can't work in the dark".

Friday, October 21, 2011

Paddy McCoy

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.

    1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?

Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer  before you scroll  down.


The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in  the giraffe, and close the door. This question  tests whether you tend to do simple things in an  overly complicated  way.

2  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?


Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?

Wrong  Answer.

Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in  the elephant and close the door. This tests your  ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend  .... Except one.   Which animal does not  attend?

Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions  correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true  abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used  by crocodiles, and you  do not have a boat. How do you manage  it?

Correct  Answer:? You jump into the river and swim  across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.

According to       Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%  of the Professionals  they tested got all questions wrong, but many  preschoolers got several correct answers.    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do  not have the brains of a  four-year-old.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Old Dog!!

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Friday, October 14, 2011

A very poor joke !!

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. 

A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Blonde and the Preacher

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." 

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke; "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

The New Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees..
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage...
Because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"

Monday, October 03, 2011

Bill Clinton's urinal

Before the  2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a  get acquainted  tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced  tea, he asked President  Bill Clinton if he could use his personal  bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he  was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold  urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the  urinal.

'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I could have a gold  urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something so  self-indulgent! '

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her  tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been  at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the  President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and  Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

'I found out who pissed in your saxophone'

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Magic Moments

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own  thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin,  I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '