Lessons for Management

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management Lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.







    1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?












Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer  before you scroll  down.











 

The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in  the giraffe, and close the door. This question  tests whether you tend to do simple things in an  overly complicated  way.









2  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?














 

Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?

Wrong  Answer.

Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in  the elephant and close the door. This tests your  ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..












3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend  .... Except one.   Which animal does not  attend?













Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions  correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true  abilities.







4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used  by crocodiles, and you  do not have a boat. How do you manage  it?











 
Correct  Answer:? You jump into the river and swim  across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.




According to       Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%  of the Professionals  they tested got all questions wrong, but many  preschoolers got several correct answers.    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do  not have the brains of a  four-year-old.

Purchasing vs. Leasing

Find below the definitive paper on the never ending debate of Purchasing versus Leasing

Purchasing

The math’s on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had relations every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather:



Leasing

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's escort, Kristen, an absolute stunner charges $4,000 per night.

This is Kirsten:

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million in total, for relations every night for 5 years: (a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are:
* a 22 year old
* no coaxing
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all requests
* no complaining
* a 22 year old
* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and comes back when asked.

All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.




Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.

The Office Manager and the Shredder

A young accountant was leaving the office at 4.45 p.m. when he found the Office Manager standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," he said, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Manager as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


AND HERE ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE