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Saturday, November 27, 2004

Bake yourself a special Christmas Cake!!

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake


Ingredients:

1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:

1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Friday, November 26, 2004

Thoughts on being a baby !


Posted by Hello

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Rainbow

Good evening

Do you remember the childrens TV programme Rainbow?

For those of you who don't know, "Rainbow" was a credible childrens TV show from the 70's and 80's. If you don't have kids or are far too young to rmember, this may be a little lost on you...... but it must have been a great episode to watch! Almost too ridiculous to believe... These are taken from original Rainbow scripts and there's no way these could have been done by accident. Innuendo all the way....Please click on this link and sit back and listen (or just read the script)

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

Hope you enjoy - and if you are not on your own it may be advisable to turn your speakers down a little!!

Friday, November 12, 2004

Women!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest
of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them.

Monday, November 08, 2004

CIA Job opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists ... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. "This gun is loaded with blanks,” she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Monday, November 01, 2004

President of the World

Here we are the night before the Presidential elections in the US of A - or should I say the world?

A country whose domestic Baseball competion is called the World Series - come on - who are you trying to kid?

So how many American citizens ( only 20% of whom actually have passports - and that is probably only to travel to the Caribbean or Mexico, or if they are desperate to leave the US, to go to Canada - sorry Canadians, I am only joking! ) know anything about the rest of the world?

Yes, there is something outside of the great US of A!

But, back to my original thought, do Americans believe that they are voting tomorrow for the President of the USofA, or the President of the World?

My great fear is that the average American believes that their President should be the President of the World, and that the rest of the world also fears that in reality the US President acts like the the President of the World!

It could be argued that the demise of the USSR was not a good thing, but is one of the reasons for the recent spread of international terrorism. With no superstate to counteract the USA, it is left to terrorism to attempt to counter American Imperialism.

But who will be the saviour of the World? - Bush or Kerry?

As a UK "social democrat" my natural instinct is to favour Kerry, but what are your views?

I would be really interested to hear the views of US people to find out if you are aware of International concerns or if you really are purely concerned about the US and no one else.

Finally, to be more serious, I would like to leave you with this

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.