Monday, October 31, 2005

Essential info for blokes!!

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his arse.

A Wifes Duty

Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day the didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Employee Training

In order to ensure the highest levels of quality of work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our programme of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel you do receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programmes (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to the Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are ful of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you

Boss In General
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)