Monday, November 07, 2016

Classroom Dialogue

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!

TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says "School Ahead, Go Slow".

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?
TEACHER: No, thats wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Winnie, name an important thing we have today, we didnt have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentance starting with "I".
MILLIE: I is ....
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say "I am".
MILLIE: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted to doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?"
CLYDE: No, teacher, its the same dog!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!!

Thursday, November 03, 2016

A Couple of Golden Oldies!

A dog lover, whose bitch came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her dog separated.  But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.


I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing now.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminium and steel, under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water
.....under his wife's supervision

Friday, September 16, 2016

Rules to Live Your Life By

A selection of rules which might help you live your life to the full!

Allens Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions.

Billings Law: - Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Boks: - If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Bowies Theorem: - If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Computer Maxim: - To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Donsens Law: - The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

Donohues Law: - Whats worth doing is worth doing for money.

Evvie Nefs Law: - There is a solution to every problem, the only difficulty is finding it.

Fischers Finding: - Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, the chances are that you wont either.

Franklins Law: - Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

Gettys Reminder: - The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.

Goldwyns Law of Contract: - A verbal contract isnt worth the paper it is written on.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

A Dead Duck Story

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Monday, September 12, 2016


A man died and went to Heaven.

 As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible",  said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded,  "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied,  "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

Friday, September 09, 2016

Ever wonder where certain sayings originated?

Here are some facts about the 1500s which lead to common sayings we use now.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low. The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ...... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Extracts from Letters

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various local councils and housing associations throughout the UK.

  • I want some repairs to my cooker as it has backfired and burned my knob off.
  • I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  • ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence,
  • I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
  • My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  • I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  • Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
  • I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  • ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
  • I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
  • The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children till it is cleared.

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

World of Sport

Quotes from the world of sport.

Some people say football is a matter of life and death, believe me, its much more serious than that. ~ Bill Shankley

I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win. ~ Howard Wilkinson

I wouldn't say God couldn't have got it out, but he'd have had to throw it. ~ Arnold Palmer

The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The late start is due to the time. ~ David Coleman

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. ~ Greg Norman

Then my eyesight started going and I took up refereeing. ~ Neil Midgley

In my sport the quick are often listed among the dead. ~ Jackie Stewart

Winning is not everything. Its the only thing! ~ Vince Lombardi

And somewhat surprisingly Cambridge have won the toss. ~ Harry Carpenter

Monday, September 05, 2016


Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
 He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
 The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
 Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,
"Can I at least feel your tits then?"

 .....and that, my friend, is A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Friday, May 06, 2016

What it's like to be British!!

If you are British, how many of the following points can you relate to? If you are not British, this may give you an insight into the British character!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare” 
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right” 
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best 
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door 
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit 
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand 
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector 
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too” 
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it 
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands 
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck 
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change 
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again 
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested 
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right” 
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon 
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it 
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave 
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible 
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about 
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake 
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot 
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink 
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit 
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it 
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house” 
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever 
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever 
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’ 
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether 
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing 
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again 
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up 
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

A man walks into a bar…

… with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says “Pint please, and one for the road.”

… and sits next to a man with a dog at his feet.
“Does your dog bite?” he asked warily. “No, he doesn’t” A few minutes later the dog has a real go at his leg. “Hey, I thought you said that your dog didn’t bite.” “He doesn’t; that’s not my dog.”

… with a crocodile and asks if the barman serves lawyers. “Certainly,” says the barman. “Good,” says the man. A pint of bitter for me and a lawyer for the croc.

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

The Farmer

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, ...he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."