Sunday, July 10, 2005


As you may have noticed, several of the recent posts have been sent to me by my wife from her ofice - here is another one!!!

Marriage (Part 1)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'"



Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"



Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."




A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waked him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Saturday, July 02, 2005


Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put in motion. (This is sent with tongue in cheek!)

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensilsand sauces and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bringanother beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman!

Friday, July 01, 2005

The Story of Onestone

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was Onestone.

So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years oftorment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them! The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, morning Onestone.

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, Good to see you, Onestone.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die...

What is the moral of this story? ...

OH, come on . take a guess!

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is ... You can't kill two birds with onestone!

Women's Humour

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a BIG F*CKING RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said 'that's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'
She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat ba*tard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head? A: Reload and try again