Sunday, December 16, 2007


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Some Random Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

  1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
  3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
  12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
  15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
  21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
  22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Seeing God

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)…

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

Sunday, December 09, 2007


"You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married"
--Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, in 1944
to modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, better known to us as Marilyn Monroe.

"You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck."
Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, 1954, upon firing a singer
after one performance. The singer?
Elvis Presley.

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
--Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the

"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."
--Western Union memo, 1876

"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
--Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers."
--Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
--William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899