Quotes from the Past Century

   

~ Jean Kerr...   

The only reason they say "   Women and children first"   is to test the strength of the lifeboats.  

  

~ Prince Philip...   

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.  

  

~ Emo Philips...   

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.  

  

~ Harrison Ford...   

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.  

   

~ Spike Milligan...   

The best cure for  sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

  

~ Jean Rostand...   

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

  

~  Arnold Schwarzenegger...   

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars ,  but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

  

~ WH Auden...   

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.  

  

~ Jonathan Katz...   

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

  

~ Johnny Carson...   

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

  

~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).   

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

  

~ Steve Martin...   

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.  

  

~ Jimmy Durante...   

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

  

~ George Roberts...   

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

  

~ Jonathan Winters...   

If God had intended us to fly ,  he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

  

~ Robert Benchley...  

I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it.  

  

~ John Glenn...  

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind   :  every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  

  

~ David Letterman...   

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.  

  

~ Howard Hughes...   

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.  

   

~ Old Italian proverb...   

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

A Collection of humorous comments..

 "In my many years I have come to a conclusion, ... that one useless man is a shame,  two [useless men] is a law firm and three or more [useless men] is a government."*

~John Adams 

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 *"If you don't read the newspaper you are  uninformed, if you do read the newspaper, you are  misinformed."*

 ~Mark Twain 

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 *"I  contend that for  a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying  to lift himself up by the  handle."*

 ~Winston Churchill 

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 *"A government which  robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of  Paul."*

 ~George Bernard Shaw  

                     *******

 *"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."*

 ~ Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University 

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 *"Giving  money and  power to  government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."*

 ~P.J. O'Rourke,  Civil Libertarian 

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 *"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!"*

 ~Pericles (430  B.C.)  

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 *"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session."*

 ~Mark Twain  (1866)                          

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 *"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."*

 ~ Ronald  Reagan  

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 *"The  only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."*

 ~Mark Twain 

                      *******

 *"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians."*

 ~Edward Langley,  Artist (1928-1995)                          

                   *******

 *"A  government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have."*

 ~Thomas Jefferson  

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 *"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."*

 ~Aesop              

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 *"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!"*

 ~P.J.  O'Rourke

When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.   

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 "He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)   

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

 "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

FAMOUS PREDICTIONS

"You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married"
--Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, in 1944
to modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, better known to us as Marilyn Monroe.

"You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck."
--Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, 1954, upon firing a singer
after one performance. The singer? Elvis Presley.

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
--Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."
--Western Union memo, 1876

"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
--Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers."
--Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
--William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899

The Thoughts of Marx (Groucho that is).

A few of my favourite quotes the the wonderful Grouch Marx.

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.

Click here to buy Groucho: the Life and Times of Julius Henry Marx

Sayings of Muhammed Ali

Ali was undoubtedly one of, if not the, most talented boxers the world has ever seen. He was also a great entertainer, showman and philospher. Here are some of his sayings.

• A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
• At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.
• Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
• Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.
• Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
• Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
• I hated every minute of training, but I said, ”Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
• I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.
• I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.
• I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
• It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
• It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.
• Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.
• My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Click here to buy Muhammad Ali - the Greatest [2002]

More of Woody Allen

After my recent posting of Woody Allen quotes on sex and death proved so popular, here are some more on life and money:-

• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
• And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
• Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.