Quotes to Remember

 If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A Collection of humorous comments..

 "In my many years I have come to a conclusion, ... that one useless man is a shame,  two [useless men] is a law firm and three or more [useless men] is a government."*

~John Adams 

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 *"If you don't read the newspaper you are  uninformed, if you do read the newspaper, you are  misinformed."*

 ~Mark Twain 

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 *"I  contend that for  a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying  to lift himself up by the  handle."*

 ~Winston Churchill 

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 *"A government which  robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of  Paul."*

 ~George Bernard Shaw  

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 *"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."*

 ~ Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University 

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 *"Giving  money and  power to  government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."*

 ~P.J. O'Rourke,  Civil Libertarian 

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 *"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!"*

 ~Pericles (430  B.C.)  

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 *"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session."*

 ~Mark Twain  (1866)                          

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 *"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."*

 ~ Ronald  Reagan  

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 *"The  only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."*

 ~Mark Twain 

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 *"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians."*

 ~Edward Langley,  Artist (1928-1995)                          

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 *"A  government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have."*

 ~Thomas Jefferson  

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 *"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."*

 ~Aesop              

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 *"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!"*

 ~P.J.  O'Rourke

Dog Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

The Thoughts of Marx (Groucho that is).

A few of my favourite quotes the the wonderful Grouch Marx.

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.

Click here to buy Groucho: the Life and Times of Julius Henry Marx

Sayings of Muhammed Ali

Ali was undoubtedly one of, if not the, most talented boxers the world has ever seen. He was also a great entertainer, showman and philospher. Here are some of his sayings.

• A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
• At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.
• Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
• Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.
• Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
• Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
• I hated every minute of training, but I said, ”Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
• I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.
• I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.
• I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
• It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
• It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.
• Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.
• My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Click here to buy Muhammad Ali - the Greatest [2002]

More of Woody Allen

After my recent posting of Woody Allen quotes on sex and death proved so popular, here are some more on life and money:-

• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
• And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
• Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Woody Allen Quotes

Many of Woody Allen’s quotes are regarding sex or death - here are a few of my favourites:-

• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
• A ”Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  
• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  
• Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
• Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
• Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
• Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

And finally, a quote that refers to sex and death:-

• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  

Click to purchase Woody Allen on Woody Allen

Famous quotations

A few more of my favourite quotations.

“The mariner to sail with is he who has been shipwrecked for he knows where the reefs are.”- Daniel Defoe.

“The Golden Rule is that there are no Golden Rules.” - George Bernard Shaw.

“You can observe a lot by just watching.” - Yogi Berra (US baseball player).

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” Derek Bok (President of Harvard).

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” - Sir Isaac Newton.

“Anyone can be a genius if they work as hard as I do.” Johan Sebastian Bach.

“To find a prince, you need to kiss an awful lot of frogs.” - Anon.

“Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.” - Aldous Huxley.

“We had better be concerned about the future because that’s where we are going to spend the rest of our lives.” - Mark Twain.

“For two days labour you ask two hundred guineas?” “No, I ask it for the knowledge of a lifetime.” - Whistler after someone queried his charge for painting a portrait.

“We are not here to sell off a parcel of vats and boilers but wealth beyond dreams of avarice.” - Dr Johnson when auctioning Mrs Thales brewey.