SAD NEWS...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Some Random Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Seeing God

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)…
……
……

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

FAMOUS PREDICTIONS

"You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married"
--Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, in 1944
to modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, better known to us as Marilyn Monroe.

"You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck."
--Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, 1954, upon firing a singer
after one performance. The singer? Elvis Presley.

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
--Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."
--Western Union memo, 1876

"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
--Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers."
--Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
--William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899

I love Christmas....

It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!

Two Glasses of Wine..................

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life: If you spend all your time and energy on the small Stuff.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the Things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend."


Please share this with a friend. I JUST DID!

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Letters to Viz

Some letters sent to Viz magazine refring to recent UK news items.

"See you next week..." sang the Double Deckers at the end of episode 17 of the popular children's TV show, aired on 30th April 1971. Thirty-six years later we are still waiting. First the Blue Peter debacle, now this. Are there no lengths to which the BBC will not go to mislead its younger viewers?
Albert Picture, Aberdeen

I am in the process of buying a car and have narrowed my choice down to two. But I don't know whether to buy the one that floats away on balloons or the one that's made of cake. I think I prefer the one made of cake, but I'd like the security of knowing that the ad had won an award before making such a big commitment.
Brian Fester

I can't help thinking that if baggage handlers at Glasgow Airport spent less time punching burning terrorists and more time putting suitcases onto the f&cking carousel, I might not have waited an hour and a half for my bag after I got got off the plane from Toronto last week.
Chuck Jism, Newcastle

I've just seen the flooded state of Gloucester on the telly. I've been boycotting the place for years for just this reason. All the smart-arses who mocked me and made up stupid rhymes about me are laughing on the other side of their faces now. Sail on, tossers.
Dr Foster, Cheltenham

I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture.
Peter Roeth

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Dog Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Grammar is Important

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

Harry then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!'

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife, showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Two brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?





Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . .

. .


"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"




Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan.


Life's too short not to enjoy...


even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b*tch.....

Garda - a classic

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.

Recently a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story...

The Joys of the London Underground System!

Here are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

Jesus & Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark Saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Special Alert: WARNING TO ALL MEN !!!

Police are warning all men who frequently use clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a bloke to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded blokes.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages!

Check out the website below for a video on how beer works:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Welsh Films

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in
Hollywood, and Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well-known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour.

The following are planned for release this year...

* 91/2 Leeks

* Trefforest Gump

* Cwmando

* The Lost Boyos

* An American Werewolf in Powys

* Huw Dares Gwyneth

* Dai Hard

* The Wizard of Oswestry

* Cool Hand Look-you

* Sheepless in Seattle

* The Eagle has Llandudno

* The Magnificent Severn

* Haverfordwest Was Won

* Austin Powys

* The Magic Rhonddabout

* Independence Dai

* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot

* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters

* Welsh Connection

* Welsh Connection II

* The Bridge on the River Wye

* Lawrence of Llandybie

* A Beautiful Mind-you

* The Welsh Patient

* The King and Mair

* Breakfast at Taffynys

* Look You Back in Bangor

* Evans Can Wait

* A Fishguard Called Rhondda

* Where Eagles Aberdare

* Dial M For Merthyr

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account
If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage.
If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
A backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper...
And the memory in my head!
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.
But when it does happen...
I bet they wish they were already dead!

Girlie Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said
"Listen bitch.....do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

What beer is for.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $64 on make up.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed make up to look pretty for me.

I told her that that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...

The Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

And they ask why I like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the
couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their
adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going
back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work,
but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite!!!
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest.

The Joys of Having Children

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!

Granted Wish

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take..! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives..; I want to know how she feels inside.., what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: “Nothing’s wrong”.., and how I can make a woman truly happy..!”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

The Thoughts of Marx (Groucho that is).

A few of my favourite quotes the the wonderful Grouch Marx.

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.

Click here to buy Groucho: the Life and Times of Julius Henry Marx

Sayings of Muhammed Ali

Ali was undoubtedly one of, if not the, most talented boxers the world has ever seen. He was also a great entertainer, showman and philospher. Here are some of his sayings.

• A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
• At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.
• Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
• Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.
• Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
• Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
• I hated every minute of training, but I said, ”Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
• I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.
• I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.
• I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
• It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
• It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.
• Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.
• My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Click here to buy Muhammad Ali - the Greatest [2002]

David Beckham

As David Beckham has now left Real Madrid in Spain on his way to Los Angeles, I thought it might be good time to post a few old Beckham jokes for the benefit of out American readers who may not have realised just how many jokes there were about him, especially from his earlier days.

• The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. “Boss,” he says, “there’s a problem. I’m not playing unless I get a cortisone injection.”"Hey,” says Becks. “If he’s having a new car, so am I.”

• David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. “What’s that?” he asks. “A Thermos flask,” replies the assistant. “What does it do?” asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. “Here, boys, look at this,” Beckham says proudly. “It’s a Thermos flask.” The lads are impressed. “What does it do?” they ask. “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, “says David. “What have you got in it?” asks Roy Keane. “Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice,” replies David.
• David Beckham is celebrating; “43 days, 43 days!” he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why is he celebrating. He answers “Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days.” “And that’s good?” asks Posh. “You bet Hon” says David.”It says 3 to 6 years on the box.”
• Q: What would David Beckham’s name be if he was a Spice Girl?
  A: Waste of Spice
• What’s the difference between David Beckham and God? God doesn’t think he’s David Beckham!
• How do you make David Beckham laugh on a Thursday? Tell him a joke on Monday.

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children’s failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The outgoing message:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5

* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

* To complain about bus transport - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort:

Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England.

More of Woody Allen

After my recent posting of Woody Allen quotes on sex and death proved so popular, here are some more on life and money:-

• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
• And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
• Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
• In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Woody Allen Quotes

Many of Woody Allen’s quotes are regarding sex or death - here are a few of my favourites:-

• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
• A ”Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  
• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  
• Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
• Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
• Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
• Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

And finally, a quote that refers to sex and death:-

• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  

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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A few bar jokes

Not time to go down the pub yet, so instead here a are couple of my favourite bar jokes:-

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

########

A Woman Walked Into A Bar...

A woman walked into a bar and asks the good-looking barman if she could have a double entendre...........so he gave her one.

########

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar....

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman shouts:
"What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Don't take your husband shopping!

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was (allegedly) recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

Chickens

A priest in a small Irish village loved the chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church. (You know what's coming, don't you!!)

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody
seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

No Hiding Place

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. Anyone who has dealt with a deceased’s estate will agree with this.

A lady died this past January in Canada and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit ard, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member:
“I am calling to tell you she died in January.”

Citibank:
“The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member:
“Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”

Citibank:
“Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member :
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

Citibank:
“Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau , maybe both!”

Family Member:
“Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank:
“Excuse me?”

Family Member:
“Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?”

Citibank:
“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” (Duh!)

**Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
“I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

Citibank:
“The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member:
“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Citibank:
(Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

Family Member:
“No, I’m her great nephew.” (He then gives details of Lawyer)

Citibank:
“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member:
“Sure.”
(Fax number is given)

**After they get the fax:

Citibank:
“Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

Family Member:
“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”

Citibank:
“Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member:
“Would you like her new billing address?”

Citibank:
“That might help.”

Family Member:
” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

Citibank:
“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member:
“What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Handy Hints - a few oldies but some newies too - Enjoy :-

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars. Just stand next to the Object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a Chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, quorn, meat substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know the difference anyway.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Avoid bickering and arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ‘Next customer Please’ sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat Hanger in an emergency.

Housewives.The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and one in your coat pocket.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply Cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.