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Monday, January 31, 2005

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Friday, January 28, 2005

In vino veritas

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed, then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the winery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman


"24 hours in a day, 24 bottles in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke


"Wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is wine. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Calvin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few wines."

Friday, January 21, 2005

You cant be serious?

The following are (allegedley) some actual label instructions on consumer goods:-

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


If you have come across any equally valuable instructions, please share them with us!

Monday, January 17, 2005

WHO’S THE TIGHTEST PERSON YOU KNOW?

Through a web site I run - Grumpy Old Men, I received a request today from the BBC (and yes, this is genuine), asking if I could help spread the word for a new show they are planning.

They are making a fun new TV series and want to hear from the nation’s most legendary penny-pinchers and renowned savers!

If you or someone you know is proud to be tight-fisted…
Call the BBC now on:
020 8752 7880


If you do get invited to do the show, please email me and let me know!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Lawrence (Yogi) Berra

Hi

I few quotes I came across recently attributed to Yogi Berra (US baseball player) which I found amusing.

Baseball is 90 per cent mental, the other half is physical.
They wouldn't have won if we had beaten them.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
No wonder nobody comes here to eat - its to crowded.
I really didn't say everything I said.
When asked if he would like his pizza cut into 4 or 8 slices, he replied
Better make it four, I don't think I can eat eight.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Tsunami Disaster

Hi

I have been rather busy over the last few weeks, hence no recent postings. I have also been on holiday since Christmas Eve so this is my first opportunity to post since then.

No jokes, quotes or other comments at the moment, just a wish to pass on my sincere condolences to everyone throughout the world affected by the terrible disaster in South East Asia.

I will just ask all those who have not yet done so to contribute something, however small, to the disaster fund. If you are in the UK you can do so by visiting the Tsunami Earthquake site of the Disasters Emergency Committee at
http://dec.org.uk/

If you are outside the UK, go to the World Vsion site at
http://www.worldvision.org

Wherever you are though, please do donate - many thanks

Tony.