Monday, October 25, 2004

Health & Fitness - This is MY philosophy!!!!!


recived the following philosophy in an email today and just had to share it with you!

The Facts:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Couldnt agree more - my father used to say - if you give up smoking and drinking you will not live any longer - it will just feel like it!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

The Pheasant Plucker


its Saturday night here in rain swept Somerset. Several people have asked me the origin of the "Pheasant Plucker". Many people know the line - "I'm not a Pheasant Plucker, I'm a Pheasant Pluckers son" but do not know the rest of the song - well here it is:-

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son
I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man
I try to understand him and I help him all I can,
But sometimes in an evening I feel a trifle dim
All alone, I'm plucking pheasants, when I'd rather pluck with him.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mate
I'm only plucking pheasants 'cos the pheasant plucker's late !

I'm not good at plucking pheasants, at pheasant plucking I get stuck
Though some pheasants find it pleasant I'd rather pluck a duck.
Oh plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease
But pheasant plucking's torture because they haven't any grease.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, he has gone out on the tiles
He only plucked one pheasant and I'm sitting here with piles !

You have to pluck them fresh, if it’s fresh they’re not unpleasant,
I knew a man in Dunstable who could pluck a frozen pheasant.
They say the village constable had pheasant plucking sessions
With the vicar on a Sunday ‘tween the first and second lessons.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mum
I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker's come.

My good friend Godfrey is most adept, he's really got the knack
He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack.
I like to give a helping hand, I gather up the feathers,
It's really all our pheasant plucking keeps us pair together.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's friend
I'm only plucking pheasants as a means unto an end !

My husband's in the forest always banging with his gun
If he could hear me half the time I'm sure that he would run,
For there's fluff in all my crannies, there's feathers up my nose
And I'm itching in the kitchen from my head down to my toes.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's wife
And when we pluck together it's a pheasant plucking life !

Goodnight and sweet dreams!!

Friday, October 22, 2004

A few thoughts


its Friday night and I hope this makes you smile...

EVER WONDER where we are headed...?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?"

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Thats all for tonight folks - have a good weekend.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

New Blog

started a new blog today Shoppers Bargains which is intended to show the latest special offers, sales etc from online stores as featured in my two shopping sites - The Shopping Center - for US visitors and The Shopping Centre for UK visitors (I am sure you will notice that the word "centre" is spelled correctly for the UK site!!!)

Anyway, enough talk of business - a selection of "alegedly" true remarks by TV commentators :-

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promisedme last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on SkySports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

See you all again soon!!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Tommy Cooper

Hi again

when I started this Blog I said I wanted to discuss the meaning of life, the universe and everything else.

Well how about a few Tommy Cooper lines instead?

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books. '

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? '
And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

And its goodnight from me.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Saving Money!!!

Its seven oclock on Sunday evening and thought I'd just say a few words while waiting for dinner to cook - roast chicken if your interested. (Its roast chicken even if you are not interested).

My wife is helping to make us wealthy because she is always saving money. Took her to the Clarks Village Shopping Centre to day in Street - Somerset - and she must have saved hundreds of pounds - well we came back with about six carrier bags and she said that everything she bought was at big savings

I asked where all this money was that she kept saving but she looked at me as if I did not understand the finer points of shopping - still she's worth it - so she tells me!!

Anyway, dinner is smelling good so must go now - see you later (do you think that this constant talking to myself is a sign of old age?)

Friday, October 15, 2004

The Boss


its past midnight on Friday ( so I suppose it is now Saturday) and I'm tired and weary, so I'll just let you know who's boss:-

Who's the Boss ?
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Funny Men of TV

Been watching the new Frank Skinner Show tonight. Not too bad, but is he REALLY one of the funniest men on TV? Surely not?

I know the standard of TV is slowly falling but surely Frank Skinner is not the best comedian on the box. Who do you find funny (please do not say Ricky Gervais - I can appreciate how clever The Office was - I have worked for Sales Managers just like that - but I did not find the show in the least bit funny).

To start you off I will nominate any programme featuring David Jason or Ronnie Barker (OK, I know I'm an old fart - but they are pure CLASS!!).

Or how about Yes Minister, and coming more up to date, QI with Stephen Fry and Alan Davies (have you seen Alan Davies live? - I saw him at the Comedy Club a couple of years ago - brilliant!!) or perhaps Have I Got News For You?

Lets have your suggestions - who knows - we could make a Chanel 4 programme out of it!!

Let me leave you tonight with a few thoughts about style:-

Things Men Need to Know About Style
1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny but not on your tie.
2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a priest.
3. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable. Ironing them yourself is evidence of mental imbalance.
4. Unless you own a ranch or are a nutty President give the cowboy boots a big miss. 5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women dry retch.
6. Going bald? Shave it off for God's sake.
7. Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won Wimbledon.
8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wildside of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you and you are a dick head.
9. Socks and sandals are lovely on Germans.
10. A jester hat does not a wacky man make.
11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers.
12. As are medallions.
13. And track suit tops and bottoms.
14. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical doona? Freedom Furniture help line 1800 - GET A LIFE!
15. Open shirts: One button open = professional; Two buttons = casual; Three buttons = Confirmation you have Greek/Italian/MiddleEastern blood in your family tree.
16. Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat and are a member of NSync.
17. Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = f*ckwit on wheels.
18. Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real.
19. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying your footy club's new kit? Please seek professional help.
20. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and "ice"ring in the window of your local gaudy jewellery store where it can live a long and happy life and do no-one any harm.
21. You'll NEVER pull chicks if you put your mobile in the mobilephone pocket of your army camouflage pants.
22. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it sure as hell ain't going to do it for you.

Things Women Need To Know About Style
1. Show more cleavage.
2. Wear shorter skirts.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Brainy Beckham

Well, what about David Beckham then - did you hear what he said after being booked on Saturday:-

Beckham added: "I'm sure some people think that I have not got the brains to be that clever.

"But I do have the brains. I could feel the injury. So I fouled (Ben) Thatcher."

Beckham with brains - who is he trying to kid? If he had brains he would not have claimed to have got booked on purpose!!! All he was trying to do was excuse the fact that he got booked and to answer his critics who said that he lacked self control - to then come up with this statement shows just how stupid he is. If he had really planned to get booked, he would have done somthing like kick the ball away at a free kick - not deliberately fouled an opponent! And if he had brains he would certainly have not gone shouting his mouth off about it!!

After this I must repeat some favourite Beckham Jokes (by the way - it was a great goal he scored)

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David. "What have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl? Waste of Spice.

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days.""And that's good?" asks Posh. "You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

David Beckham walks into a pet shop and asks for a pound of bird seed.
"How many birds do you have?" asks the pet shop owner.
"None yet," says David, "but I'm hoping to grow some."

Monday, October 11, 2004

Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy


had a pleasant weekend away, visiting relations in the Midlands (Leiceter and Birmingham) but I am sure you do not want to hear about that!!

What you may like to hear though, is that BBC Radio 4 are producing a new series of Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, starting tomorow night (Tuesday) at 6.30 pm. to be repeated on Thursday at 11pm - it can also be heard 24/7 on the Radio 4 internet site.

My first introduction to this fabulous story was listening to it being broadcast on Radio 4 and, as the BBC says ( and I am sure they will not mind me quoting them)

Twenty-five years after the original radio series of Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy exploded into the public consciousness, the further exploits of its bewildered hero, Arthur Dent, are being brought to life in their original medium and with the (mainly) original cast.

The last three books of the ‘trilogy in five parts’, Life, The Universe And Everything; So Long And Thanks For All The Fish and Mostly Harmless, have been dramatised as two new series (none of them were previously produced for radio).

As the original two series were dubbed the Primary and Secondary Phases by Douglas Adams, these new series form the Tertiary, Quadrenary and Quintessential Phases. Thanks to the wonders of digital technology, Douglas Adams himself can be heard playing the part of Agrajag.

This great new series is also available on CD and cassette. Again, to quote the Beeb,

Many of the cast of the original BBC Radio 4 series have been reunited for this new six-part dramatisation of Douglas Adams's book 'Life, the Universe and Everything'.

Amongst the returning cast are Simon Jones as Arthur Dent, Geoffrey McGivern as Ford Prefect, Susan Sheridan as Trillian, Mark Wing-Davey as Zaphod Beeblebrox and Stephen Moore as Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Other famous names in these new productions include Richard Griffiths, Chris Langham, Joanna Lumley and cricket commentators Fred Trueman and Henry Blofeld.

PRE-ORDER NOW! Be one of the first to own Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy: Tertiary Phase.You can order now and receive it on the official release date of 25th October 2004.You will not be charged until your order is ready for despatch.

To pre order this CD, click here and you will be taken direct to the BBC Shop.

Finally, I will say goodnight by including a couple more true Stories (OK I know there are three) - but who's counting?

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Sweet dreams


Friday, October 08, 2004

Hello, Good Evening and Welcome

Who said that?

Answers on a postcard please to ......

This is the third time I have attempted to post a new item but am obviously doing something seriously wrong - I am sure that the bottle of red wine I have just consumed is nothing to do with it!!

So as I am now seriously pissed (off) with this systen I will just leave you with a copy of an email I recieved today - which by pure coincidence is about a computer helpdesk!

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it's
still on my desk... sorry ....
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damn it!
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more
than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle

Im amazed - and thank you

Well thank you!!

There was I last night, just 12 hours after I had started this blog, thinking I was writting for myself - that there would be nobody out there in cyber space to read what I was writing - and this morning I open my email and find I have had three comments posted - so how many people visited the blog? - I must get a counter put up soon!!

And finally a few news reports I have come across in the past:-

"Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Time stamp

When I adjust the time stamp at the bottom of the post - must make sure I get the am/pm and the date correct - previous post was 11.15 pm on 7th Oct - not am on the 8th!!

By the way do you havre any preference to type face and size of type - not that anyone will red this - must answer it myself!!

All on my own

Well, its now about 11.15 at night and I am slowly learning how this thing works.

I have posted some photos - although I did think they would show at the top of the page - ie before my introduction - but at least they are there.

I have submitted the site to a couple of blog search engines and have learned how to put stuff in the right hand column, or sidebar as I supose I must call it!

At the moment - and I realise it is still early days - or even early hours - I still feel a bit silly talking to myself but must start somewhere - one day someone will respond to my posts and I will know that there is life out there - in cyberspace!

I keep altering the settings to be BST and the time at the bottom of the post still shows as some US time zone so I must remember to alter the time manually - the photos were posted about 5 hours after the introduction, but to look at the time stamp you would think they were posted first.

I had good news on one of the web sites I run - - we are getting a promotional piece - free - in the Mirror newspaper next Wednesday. For those of you outside the UK, this is a national daily newspaper with a circulation approaching 2million. One of my partners - who is an accountant and knows very little about marketing in general and the web in particular thinks we shall get thousands of hits and make thousands of pounds - I do not want to dissolusion him, but if we get tens of sales I shall be surprised - but I hope he is right - might help make me rich!!!

Finally I would like to end with the following warning printed on a bottle of Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And...I'm taking this because???)

only in Thailand Posted by Hello

only in Texas Posted by Hello

only in Mexico Posted by Hello

only in Hawaii Posted by Hello

only in Spain Posted by Hello

only in France Posted by Hello

only in Australia Posted by Hello

and last
only in the US Posted by Hello


Welcome to my new blog site (or is it page?).

As I have only just created this Blog, I don't suppose anyone will actually read this but never mind.

I have started this with the intention of posting to it most evenings, sharing my collection of humour (jokes) and generally commenting on whatever takes my fancy whether it is politics (boring) sport, tv, (thats television, not transvestites), food, drink - especially drink - and anything else that comes to mind.

Hopefully, over time others will come to read the site (Build it and they will come) and post their comments, recommend the blog to others and soon we will take over the world.

Anyway, it is now day time and I really should be working on other things so I will end up a little humour (at least I thought it was funny) and will be back tonight

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

By the way I am not ageist, sexist, racist, or anti-women, mothers- in-law, blondes, and I am definitely NOT Politically Correct!!!