Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Well Dressed Ladies

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Heathrow Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Londoner married to a wealthy business man. 

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Dudley*

After a little while the London woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Dudley commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Dudley commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Dudley lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Dudley lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Dudley lady responded, 

"Well as an example... instead of saying "Who gives a Fuck?" I learned to say "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

*For those who might wonder, Dudley is in the Black Country, the heart of the industrial West Midlands, England.

Monday, August 28, 2017

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. 

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. 

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney 

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you keep 
That smile for the rest of the day!

Thursday, August 24, 2017


Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got  home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 83 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned  me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter  had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Golf Tragedy

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. 

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.  "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"  

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!  Please Doc, what's the good news?"  

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."  

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."  

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.  "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. 

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.  My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." 

"That's great," said the surgeon.  

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."  

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.  Are you having any side effects?"  

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Our Future

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir - it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual - you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK - that's what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What?  I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! ! 

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!!   I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago