Monday, August 27, 2007

Jesus & Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
Saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Special Alert: WARNING TO ALL MEN !!!

Police are warning all men who frequently use clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a bloke to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded blokes.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages!

Check out the website below for a video on how beer works:

Welsh Films

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in
Hollywood, and Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well-known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour.

The following are planned for release this year...

* 91/2 Leeks

* Trefforest Gump

* Cwmando

* The Lost Boyos

* An American Werewolf in Powys

* Huw Dares Gwyneth

* Dai Hard

* The Wizard of Oswestry

* Cool Hand Look-you

* Sheepless in Seattle

* The Eagle has Llandudno

* The Magnificent Severn

* Haverfordwest Was Won

* Austin Powys

* The Magic Rhonddabout

* Independence Dai

* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot

* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters

* Welsh Connection

* Welsh Connection II

* The Bridge on the River Wye

* Lawrence of Llandybie

* A Beautiful Mind-you

* The Welsh Patient

* The King and Mair

* Breakfast at Taffynys

* Look You Back in Bangor

* Evans Can Wait

* A Fishguard Called Rhondda

* Where Eagles Aberdare

* Dial M For Merthyr

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account
If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage.
If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
A backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper...
And the memory in my head!
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.
But when it does happen...
I bet they wish they were already dead!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Girlie Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the
six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said
"Listen it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!