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Wednesday, May 03, 2017

These Words Should be in a Dictionary

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR 
A place where women curl up and dye. 

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage. 

INFLATION 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN
A grape with sunburn. 

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time. 

SKELETON
A person with the meat scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. 

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed. 

And MY Personal Favourite!! 

WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Marriages are Made in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were
involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in
Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't
know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves
them sitting at the Gate.


After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming
his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".


"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest

up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION......

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'         
        
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. 
              
Since she needed a good cleanup, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. 
                 
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'                     

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the  door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ...  Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Teacher Arrested at Toronto Pearson Airport.

Sounds like Trudeau is trying to emulate Trump!

A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.  She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the RCMP with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.  They use secret code-names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek Philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."'

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more “intelligent” or “profound” statement by any Prime Minister.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.  



With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 



"Honey, would you have sex with me?”



Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”



"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her 



“No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?” 



"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!” 



“No way. It’s just too risky!” 



“Oh please, please I love you so much!” 



“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!” 



“Oh yes you can. Please?” 



“No, no. I just can’t!” 



“I’m begging you . . . “ 



Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:



“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.'






I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

But . . . . . . . 

















. . . both result in a slow, lingering, painful death.