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Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The neighbours called the police to tell them that the mother always leaves the baby alone in the house and the poor baby cries all day.

The police came and broke down the door.

This was what they saw:- 

video

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There :    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. 
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. 
He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 

The Hotel:          This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. 
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. 
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. 
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. 
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 

The Restaurant:  Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. 
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 

Your Room:         Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. 
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!  
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used  only by pederasts. 

Bed:                    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. 
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. 
She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. 
If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 

Above All:             When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. 
You will struggle to forget it.

 Description:           Be Happy

Thursday, September 14, 2017

What it's like to be British!!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again


Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Oh no ! Not another lawyer joke.

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. 

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, 
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. 

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' 

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.' 

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? 

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again… 

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' 

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. 

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Friday, September 08, 2017

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.      Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound
of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I    just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a
hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would
you like to play?'

Stevie replies, 'Just pick a night.'

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

BRITISH HUMOUR

In hindsight I should have posted my Face book status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother (not all bad then?)
 
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
 
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
 
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about
 
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
 
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
 
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
 
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
 
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
 
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Friday, September 01, 2017

Top nine Olympic comments

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator...: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Ahhh for the old ones of which I have 2 favorites from many, many.

“The batsman’s Holding, the bowler’s Willy” . . . cricket of course

&

“For those with black and white TV, the pink ball is the one behind the green” . . . snooker (for American friends, think pool.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Well Dressed Ladies

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Heathrow Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Londoner married to a wealthy business man. 

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Dudley*

After a little while the London woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Dudley commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Dudley commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Dudley lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Dudley lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Dudley lady responded, 

"Well as an example... instead of saying "Who gives a Fuck?" I learned to say "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

*For those who might wonder, Dudley is in the Black Country, the heart of the industrial West Midlands, England.

Monday, August 28, 2017

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. 

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. 

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney 

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep 
That smile for the rest of the day!

Thursday, August 24, 2017

WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got  home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 83 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned  me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter  had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Golf Tragedy

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. 

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.  "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"  

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!  Please Doc, what's the good news?"  

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."  

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."  

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.  "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. 

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.  My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." 

"That's great," said the surgeon.  

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."  

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.  Are you having any side effects?"  

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Our Future

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir - it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual - you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK - that's what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What?  I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! ! 

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!!   I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!


I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

These Words Should be in a Dictionary

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR 
A place where women curl up and dye. 

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage. 

INFLATION 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN
A grape with sunburn. 

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time. 

SKELETON
A person with the meat scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. 

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed. 

And MY Personal Favourite!! 

WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Marriages are Made in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were
involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in
Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't
know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves
them sitting at the Gate.


After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming
his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".


"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest

up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION......

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'         
        
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. 
              
Since she needed a good cleanup, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. 
                 
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'                     

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the  door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ...  Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Teacher Arrested at Toronto Pearson Airport.

Sounds like Trudeau is trying to emulate Trump!

A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.  She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the RCMP with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.  They use secret code-names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek Philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."'

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more “intelligent” or “profound” statement by any Prime Minister.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.  



With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, 



"Honey, would you have sex with me?”



Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!”



"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her 



“No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?” 



"Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!” 



“No way. It’s just too risky!” 



“Oh please, please I love you so much!” 



“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!” 



“Oh yes you can. Please?” 



“No, no. I just can’t!” 



“I’m begging you . . . “ 



Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:



“Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.'






I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

But . . . . . . . 

















. . . both result in a slow, lingering, painful death.