The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want.

No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf.  Now fuck off!

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy!

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Food for Thought!! The Wedding Night!

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a friendly little father-son chat.

 

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something important. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

 

"I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his first honeymoon night, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants.

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.

And they lived happily ever after.

Marriage Lessons!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord,if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

Marital longevity

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.  Now .. I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV; but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”  

My wife being a very reasonable woman…  told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.  

Aren’t older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION......

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
                  
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'         
        
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. 
              
Since she needed a good cleanup, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.                   

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'                     

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the  door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...  Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Chinese wedding night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.  On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.   He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.  I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.  You juss ask.  Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.  She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls...  Numbaa 69.' 

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want.......  garlic chicken wif snow peas?    

A LITTLE FLAB !!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...

'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.' 

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .
  
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts 
and said....

'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his DANGLER.

With a Death grip in place, She said...

''You know, if you  firmed this up, we could get rid of :-

The Gardener, The Postman, The Pool man and Your Brother!" 

Marriages are Made in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were

involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the

Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in

Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't

know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves

them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't

work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming

his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest

up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Bloody typical

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. 

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.' 

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket' 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up? 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?'                                

I love this part... : 





'Only when he's pissed.' 

New Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.