Who pays the Checker?

Here is a relevant question which the US Congress will have to debate:

Who pays the Checker?

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, would public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto? "If You gotta pee - We gotta see!

An Irish Fisherman

 The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.  A passer-by stopped and asked him:  "What are you doing?”

“Fishing” replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says:

 “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking:
"So how many have you caught today?"

“You're the 8th", replied the old man.

Jewish Comedians.

 Jewish Comedians. Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

 

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "The man says, "I make a good living."

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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:

"See! What did I tell you?"

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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part"

Seniors Problems

 A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

Keep smiling 

Stranded Irishman

 An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, finally saw a speck on the horizon.

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.

Shaking her tresses, she walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

“Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !!"

Don't make old people mad!

 An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

 He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” . 

*Remember:* Don't make old people mad.  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DAD !!!!!!!!!!!

 Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

 "Like sitting around drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She says she is "only thinking of me," and suggested, I go down to the Senior Centre and hang around with some of the lads there.

So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You're 73 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled,

"Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.....

Wonderful Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: ‘
“Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side.

DILLBERRY SIGHTINGS AND DILL DETECTIONS:

 You can’t make this stuff up! 

We went through to the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the attendant a $5 note.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The attendant then gave me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at McDonald's.

 DILLBERRY: 

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a half a horsepower.

He shook his head and said,  'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'Nooo, it's not.  Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since.  This happened in Ipswich, Queensland.

 DILLBERRY:

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. 

The reason:  'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing  anymore.' 

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

 DILLBERRY:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has  anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge?' 

To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This  happened in Elizabeth S.A.

DILLBERRY: 

The  pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of  mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it lets blind people know when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

She  is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

DILL: 

When  my husband and I arrived at the garage to pick up our car after a  service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. 

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'it’s open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'


STAY ALERT!    They walk among us... and breed!

When is it OK to Use the "F" Word?

Question:  When is the use of "f***" or "f***ing" acceptable? Answer:   There are only 11 times throughout history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.   In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:   11. "What the f*** do you mean, we’re sinking?" Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.   10. "What the f*** was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945   9. " Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" George Custer, 1877   8. "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein, 1938.   7. "It does so f***ing look like her!" Picasso, 1926   "How the f*** did you work that out?"  Student of Pythagoras, 126 BC.    5. "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?"  Michelangelo, 1566.    6. "Where the f*** are we?"  Amelia Earhart, 1937    7. "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!"  Noah, 4314 BC    2. "Aw, come on Monica. Who the f*** is going to find out?"  Bill Clinton, 1998    AND THE WINNER IS .....   1."There is no f***ing way Trump will ever become President"  Hillary Clinton, 2016

Church Bulletins!

They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters (now  keyboards). These announcements actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:   _______________________ The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus'. -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ------------------------ Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --------------------------  Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------                                                           Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 18

Heard today that a good friend had been taken into hospital with coronavirus.

His wife told us while he was freezing cold this morning, she said he felt very hot. He’s been sleeping a lot the last couple of days and has not been eating or drinking much, so she phoned for an ambulance. When it arrived they said he had a high temperature, high blood pressure and was dehydrated. He’s now in the hospital on a drip, and it has been confirmed he has COVID 19! 

Our deepest thoughts are with him and his family.

As he is one of my friends responsible for sending me some of the jokes that I have posted, I'm sure he will not mind me sharing these with you! 

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 15

Tuesday evening and must admit I had a little shock this afternoon when I received a text message from the NHS Coronavirus Service stating that I am at high risk of developing serious illness if I catch coronavirus and that I should remain at home for 12 weeks! Also I should keep away from anyone else living in the household. I am living with my partner and we are advised to use separate beds, I should eat on my own, use my own towels, my own bathroom and keep out of the kitchen.

I do have a mild lung condition (uip) but my lung function tests have always been good and my consultant has even increased the time between the tests from 6 months to a year. I had initially wondered if this would be a problem but thought I would have heard well before now, if that was the case.

I am not sure just how far we shall go in maintaining our distance as we have been living normally in Lockdown for over 2 weeks now and have both been adhering to Social Distancing on the odd occasions we go out. 

Looking on the bright side, we should now be able to get home delivery from the major supermarkets who have been concentrating on the most vulnerable customers, of which I am now one, as well as being on the old side - 71 to be precise!

Nevertheless, I shall continue annoying friends and readers alike by posting cartoons/memes that amuse me. Here are three for tonight. I certainly can relate to the first one!

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 14

Had the weekend off from posting - so many other things to do :-) Had our first meeting on Zoom yesterday with children and grandchildren - good to see and hear them. 

Finished the Karchering today so now having a well earned rest! Nothing else has really changed. It was a sunny weekend and there were plenty of idiots ignoring the governments instructions not to go out other than for essential shopping and exercise and to keep social distancing (two meters apart). 

The stupidest and most selfish person in the news over the weekend though, must be Scotland’s chief medical officer, Catherine Calderwood, who has quit after facing intense criticism for breaking her own rules to twice visit her second home during the coronavirus outbreak.

Despite being the voice of the Scottish government’s public information campaign urging people to avoid all non-essential travel, it has been revealed that the Calderwoods and their three children had spent Friday night at their holiday home, taking walks with their dog to a local beach.  Furthermore she and her husband had also visited the previous weekend.

I think the above story leads very nicely into the following:-

Lockdown Humour

A little more humour to brighten a dull Friday evening in England.

And finally, I thought this was the funniest but apologies to anyone who feels it is blasphemous! 

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 11

Now halfway through day 11 on our coronavirus lockdown.

For those of you following these posts regularly (who am I kidding?) you will notice that I didn't post yesterday. That was basically because I just couldn't be arsed!! We didn't do much yesterday apart from a little tidying up in the house.

Today though I have been quite active, by starting to Karcher the rear terrace. For those of you who do not know, Karcher is a brand name for a high pressure cleaner, if you need one you can buy them from Amazon!

Its Friday today and I'm really looking forward to the weekend - oh, hang on, its going to be exactly the same as the week was, except that I shall be having a few Gin and Tonics on Sunday evening with a few Virtual friends. 

A reasonable night on TV to look forward to, particularly one of my favourite programmes "Have I got News For You" 

I will again leave you with a couple - three actually - of memes/cartoons that I have come across today,

Thats it for today, so just stay safe, take care and remember to SELF ISOLATE!!

A week into self isolation

We are a week into self isolation and it’s very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space, with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I’ve thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.

I’ve even considered letting her come in.... but rules are rules.

Stay safe stay well.

And finally just to cheer you up:-

Coronavirus Lockdown - Day 9

So here we are again, reporting on all that has happened on our 9th day of lockdown.

The short answer is not much.

This morning we defrosted then re-arranged the chest freezer in the garage - finding stuff we had forgotten was there, throwing away stuff that had obviously been there for years and deciding what we were going to have for dinner ( my partner insists it is supper ) for the next couple of days.

The news continues to be depressing. Wimbledon and the Edinburgh Festival are two more events that have bitten the dust. A woman has been fined £660 for breaching coronavirus restrictions after she refused to tell police who she was and why she was on the platform at a railway station and in the US they are now forecasting deaths to be somewhere between 100,000 and 200,000.

I have also been annoying my friends by continually posting jokes/memes/cartoons/videos on various WhatsAp groups I am a member of! I will end by posting this one for your entertainment?

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After 10 Days in Quarantine.

A couple more funnies to help keep your spirits up!

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The Pregnant Girlfriend

Guy: 'Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?'

Doctor:
'Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed it!'

Guy: 'Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion.'

Doctor:
'Good! You understood the story. Next patient, please.'

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