TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1: 

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,

Who had 8 kids already,

Three who were deaf,

Two who were blind,

One mentally retarded,

And she had syphilis,

Would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one

 QUESTION 2 :

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:

Associates with crooked politicians,

and consults with astrologists,

He's had two mistresses,

He also chain smokes

And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:

He was kicked out of office twice,

Sleeps until noon,

Used opium in college,

And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:

He is a decorated war hero.

He's a vegetarian,

Doesn't smoke,

Drinks an occasional beer,

And never committed adultery.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first .. No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.

>

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Clarkson's Farm

 A week last Monday (19th), I visited Birmingham Symphony Hall to see Kaleb, from Clarkson's Farm, give a very interesting and entertaining talk.

He proved to be very entrepreneurial in his youth, and has built up a very successful Farm Contract business. 

You can still see the first two series of Clarkson's Farm on Amazon and the third is being released soon. 

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Seniors Problems

 A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

Keep smiling 

Don't make old people mad!

 An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

 He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” . 

*Remember:* Don't make old people mad.  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

 Question 1: 

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,

Who had 8 kids already,

Three who were deaf,

Two who were blind,

One mentally retarded,

And she had syphilis,

Would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one

 QUESTION TWO

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

 

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians,

and consults with astrologists,

He's had two mistresses,

He also chain smokes

And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

 

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice,

Sleeps until noon,

Used opium in college,

And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

 

Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero.

He's a vegetarian,

Doesn't smoke,

Drinks an occasional beer,

And never committed adultery.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first .. No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
>

> 

> 

>
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

 

 

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. 

Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember: 

Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals .. Built the Titanic

A Few More Thoughts!

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" ... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.

I've had my patience tested.  I'm negative.

If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I don't remember much from last night. But the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

A Cowboy Tombstone

Only a farm kid would see it this way!

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or Mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.

I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

You just can't make this stuff up......

Woman sues Samsung for $1.8M after cell phone gets stuck inside her vagina   An  Albuquerque woman is suing Samsung for $1.8 million after she necessitated medical attention after inserting her cell phone inside her vagina and was unable to retrieve it for 96 hours.  Salma Briant, 39, claims her medical bills at the University of New Mexico Hospital amount  to $1,168,000 and that she has suffered from severe psychological  distress because of the whole ordeal.  Briant said she first inserted  the cell phone inside her vagina as a dare from one of her friends but  quickly realized that the phone would not come out. Attorney Jim McAfee’s claims his client was forced to undergo a caesarean section to remove the cell phone because of the atypical shape of her pelvis and had no insurance at the time.  A Samsung spokesman said they would not comment on this case at this moment but explained that an out-of-court settlement was still an option on the table.  “I wanted to see how it would feel to put my cell phone on vibration mode inside of me, just for fun, but it soon turned out to be a nightmare,” she told judge Andrew Peterson in tears. “Samsung is definitely at fault here as they offer no warning about the dangers and potential risks during the insertion of their products inside their clients male or female body cavities or genitals” Salma Briant’s lawyer, Jim McAfee said in court.

50 Sheds Today

Mens’ Shed.

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it.

Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

Here are their experiences:     

Bill Carruthers, 74.  We tried  various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------

Nick Enwright, 86.  She stood before me, trembling in my shed “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”  So I took her to B and Q. 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------

Ted Roberts, 79.  She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------

Tom Entwhistle, 73.  Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------

Jack Farthing, 78.  “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

------------------------------ ----------------------------

John Hardcastle, 72.  “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

Colin Horrocks, 65.  “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

Malcolm Riddock, 75.  I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------

Allen Cardly, 74.   “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ 

Humphrey Landsdowne, 56.  Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---

Nicholas Benchley, 53.   “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------

Toby Williams, 60.  “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.   

Aaahhh! The good old days!!!!

German vs. Italian Technology

What it's like to be British!!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Well Dressed Ladies

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Heathrow Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Londoner married to a wealthy business man. 

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Dudley*

After a little while the London woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Dudley commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Dudley commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Dudley lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Dudley lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Dudley lady responded, 

"Well as an example... instead of saying "Who gives a Fuck?" I learned to say "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

*For those who might wonder, Dudley is in the Black Country, the heart of the industrial West Midlands, England.

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. 

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. 

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney 

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep 
That smile for the rest of the day!

Our Future

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir - it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual - you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK - that's what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What?  I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! ! 

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!!   I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago