Monday, March 28, 2005

Engage brain before opening mouth!


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.". Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?". This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Adam Talks All About Eve

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


1. know anything about a car except its colour

2. understand a film plot

3. go 24 hours without sending a text message

4. lift

5. throw

6. run

7. park

8. fart

9. read a map

10. rob a bank

11. resist Ikea

12. sit still

13. tell a joke

14. play pool

15. pay for dinner

16. eat a kebab whilst walking

17. pee out of a train window

18. argue without shouting

19. get told off without crying

20. understand fruit machines

21. walk past a shoe shop

22. make a decent bacon sandwich

23. not comment on a strangers clothes

24. use small amounts of toilet paper

25. let you sleep with a hangover

26. drink a pint gracefully

27. get a round in

28. throw a punch

29. do magic

30. like your friends

31. enjoy porn

32. eat a really hot curry

33. get to the point

34. buy plain envelopes

35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"

37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates

38. avoid credit card debt

39. dive into a pool

40. assemble furniture

41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb

42. set a video recorder

43. not try and change you

44. watch a war film

45. understand why flirting results in violence

46. spend a day by themselves

47. go to the toilet by themselves

48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket

49. choose a video quickly

50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
the above

Monday, March 14, 2005

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying


FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Kevin Keegan

Kevin Keegan has left Manchester City, but perhaps his greatest legacy as a manager will be his (alleged!) silly sayings, many of which I am pleased to list below. - enjoy!

You get bunches of players like you do bananas...though that is a bad comparison.

Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.

People will say that was typical City, which really annoys me. But that's typical City, I suppose...

By the end he [Asprilla] was knackered-o. I think that's the Spanish for it.

They're the second best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that.

One of his strengths is not heading.

He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength.

My father was a miner and he worked down a mine.

If I had a blank piece of paper there'd be five names on it.

Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they're different countries...

I didn’t see a lot. When Benitez learns a bit more English someone have to tell him to sit down.

England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none.

Against France we'll have to be at our best both technically, tactically and spirit-wise.

You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw.

We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.

I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.

He [SWP] is now getting paid what he deserves to be paid. I don't approve of using kids as cheap labour.

The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.

Maine Road was a great football stadium but as time moved on it stayed where it is...

Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.

The tide is very much in our court now.

The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23.

You don't get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter.

He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted.

Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders.

There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.

It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.

England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.

I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is.

But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.

They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different...

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.

Should Al-Fayed get a British passport? 1000 per cent yes.

The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game...

Despite his white boots, he has real pace...

That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved.

Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 2Os or 3Os.

The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.

The ref was vertically 15 yards away.

Sir John Hall was a multi-millionaire when I came back to Newcastle. With all the players I've bought, I'm trying to make him just an ordinary millionaire.

Football's always easier when you've got the ball.

People still have the concept of one big bath, but the way forward hygeine-wise is single baths.

It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.

I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.

I'm not trying to make excuses for David Seaman, but I think the lights may have been a problem...

The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it.

I'm not disappointed - just disappointed.

There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow.

I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.

We managed to wrong a few rights.

It's my job not to get beheaded.

I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again.

Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough people waving to the generals as they walk past.

A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off.

That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.

Danny Tiatto is not going to make a mistake on purpose.

He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.

He’s [Shaun Wright-Phillips] got a heart as big as his size, which isn’t big, but his heart’s bigger than that.

The problem in our country is that we use hindsight as our judge. When she [Margaret Thatcher] was in power, there were a lot of good things done, but people will always pick out bad things. She was a good lady.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

The dangers of alcohol!

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

For sale!!

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.