Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Pick Up Line

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just Testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I amwearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,..........'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

A Second Opinion

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Friday, March 19, 2010

Mystery of Life: Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.........

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Monday, March 08, 2010

My 1 Day Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Confucius Says:

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

New Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Purchasing vs. Leasing

Find below the definitive paper on the never ending debate of Purchasing versus Leasing


The math’s on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had relations every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather:


On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's escort, Kristen, an absolute stunner charges $4,000 per night.

This is Kirsten:

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million in total, for relations every night for 5 years: (a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are:
* a 22 year old
* no coaxing
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all requests
* no complaining
* a 22 year old
* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and comes back when asked.

All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.

The Office Manager and the Shredder

A young accountant was leaving the office at 4.45 p.m. when he found the Office Manager standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," he said, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young man. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Manager as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."


Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

From Wales!!

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk heard they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They bought the cow from Wales, and it was wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They decided to buy a bull to mate with their cow, to get more cows, so would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go a Vet, who had a reputation for being very wise.

They told him their story; "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she will walk away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and asked;

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we bought the cow from Wales ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is also from Wales "