HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left?"  She calls on little Johnny. He

replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher

replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."  Then Little

Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.  There are three women sitting on a

bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple

scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the

cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice-cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal replied "Well I suppose the one that's

gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"  To which Little Johnny replied, "The

correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,.....but I like your

thinking.

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?"

asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is  2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,''Today we are going to

learn multi-syllable words, class.  Does anybody have an example of a

multi-syllable word?'' Little Johnny waves his hand, ''Me, Miss Rogers,

me, me!''

Miss Rogers says, ''All right, little Johnny what is your multi-syllable

word?''

Little Johnny says, ''Mas-tur-bate.''

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ''Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.''

Little Johnny says, ''No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

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Little Johnny is passing by his parents' bedroom in the middle of the

night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he

peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act*.  Before dad can even react,

Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your

back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable

questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on

tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get

bucked off !"

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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little

girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his

friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed

to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in

this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the

word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little

Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,

you'd be a ten!!!"

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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show

of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence

twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father

bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he

said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was

pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'

Classroom Dialogue

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!

TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says "School Ahead, Go Slow".

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, thats wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Winnie, name an important thing we have today, we didnt have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentance starting with "I".
MILLIE: I is ....
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say "I am".
MILLIE: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted to doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?"
CLYDE: No, teacher, its the same dog!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!!