When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.   

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 "He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)   

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

 "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

Rules to Live Your Life By

A selection of rules which might help you live your life to the full!

Allens Axiom: - When all else fails, read the instructions.

Billings Law: - Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Boks: - If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Bowies Theorem: - If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Computer Maxim: - To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Donsens Law: - The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

Donohues Law: - Whats worth doing is worth doing for money.

Evvie Nefs Law: - There is a solution to every problem, the only difficulty is finding it.

Fischers Finding: - Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, the chances are that you wont either.

Franklins Law: - Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

Gettys Reminder: - The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.

Goldwyns Law of Contract: - A verbal contract isnt worth the paper it is written on.

Ramblings of a Pheasant Plucker: Rules to Live Your Life By https://t.co/tpmv1B8m5w #humor #jokes #sayings

— Tony Murtagh (@TonyKRO) September 16, 2016

The Thoughts of Marx (Groucho that is).

A few of my favourite quotes the the wonderful Grouch Marx.

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.

Click here to buy Groucho: the Life and Times of Julius Henry Marx

Sayings of Muhammed Ali

Ali was undoubtedly one of, if not the, most talented boxers the world has ever seen. He was also a great entertainer, showman and philospher. Here are some of his sayings.

• A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
• At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.
• Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
• Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.
• Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
• Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
• I hated every minute of training, but I said, ”Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
• I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.
• I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.
• I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
• It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
• It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.
• Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.
• My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Click here to buy Muhammad Ali - the Greatest [2002]

Woody Allen Quotes

Many of Woody Allen’s quotes are regarding sex or death - here are a few of my favourites:-

• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
• A ”Bay Area Bisexual” told me I didn’t quite coincide with either of her desires. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  
• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
• I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  
• Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
• Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
• Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
• Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

And finally, a quote that refers to sex and death:-

• The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  

Click to purchase Woody Allen on Woody Allen

Famous quotations

A few more of my favourite quotations.

“The mariner to sail with is he who has been shipwrecked for he knows where the reefs are.”- Daniel Defoe.

“The Golden Rule is that there are no Golden Rules.” - George Bernard Shaw.

“You can observe a lot by just watching.” - Yogi Berra (US baseball player).

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” Derek Bok (President of Harvard).

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” - Sir Isaac Newton.

“Anyone can be a genius if they work as hard as I do.” Johan Sebastian Bach.

“To find a prince, you need to kiss an awful lot of frogs.” - Anon.

“Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.” - Aldous Huxley.

“We had better be concerned about the future because that’s where we are going to spend the rest of our lives.” - Mark Twain.

“For two days labour you ask two hundred guineas?” “No, I ask it for the knowledge of a lifetime.” - Whistler after someone queried his charge for painting a portrait.

“We are not here to sell off a parcel of vats and boilers but wealth beyond dreams of avarice.” - Dr Johnson when auctioning Mrs Thales brewey.