Women's Humour

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a BIG F*CKING RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.
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He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
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He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said 'that's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
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He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'
She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat ba*tard'.
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Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
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Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.
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Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
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Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head? A: Reload and try again