Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Tossers

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a tosser!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word tosser," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 0171 8xx-4xxx.

Keep reading, it gets better!

Chapter 2

An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure are a lot of tossers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 8xx-4xxx and yelling, "You're a tosser!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two tossers to call. Then, after several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial tosser #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up.

The tosser said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.

Then I called tosser #2.

He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, tosser!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your arse."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching the two tossers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty.

No comments: