* 1 star hangover
---------------------
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you
woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from
all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the
Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
** 2 star hangover
----------------------
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your
employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light
filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
*** 3 star hangover
------------------------
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and
not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a
litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4 star hangover
-------------------------
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact
that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade
class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go
back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5 star hangover
---------------------------
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing
your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you
and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you
can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
****** 6 star hangover
---------------------------
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full
sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off
all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus
mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the
world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it
is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into
abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back
to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and
swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day
as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get
into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them
driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick
again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three
hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
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