Tip - if you are having difficulty reading this, just click on it and it will open full size.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A Morning Poem
Tip - if you are having difficulty reading this, just click on it and it will open full size.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Friday, June 05, 2009
UK Budget Alternative
Dear Mr. Darling,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed
5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed
5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING AN AFL FINAL..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO BRISBANE.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.." THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE..." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
Thursday, May 07, 2009
A Human Interest Story....
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up....
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.......
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
#
#
#
#
#
#
The doctor replied , "My point exactly"
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.......
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
#
#
#
#
#
#
The doctor replied , "My point exactly"
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
