For all my Welsh friends!! - Enjoy it while you can!!

A copy of an email I received today from a Welsh friend of mine - I am sure we World Champions can allow a little Welsh humour (by the way, my grandparents are Irish so I shall be happy if Ireland win tomorrow!!!)

1)Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down.Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "England for the Six Nations, England for the Six Nations, England for the Six Nations." On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!

2) Q:What's the England Rugby Team and a three pin electrical plug got in common?
A: They're both useless in Europe!

3) Wales were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Gavin Henson getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Gavin to go out on his own. "No worries," Gavin told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened. "After the game Gavin headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 95-3. "What!!!!", said a furious Gareth Thomas, "How did you let them get three points? "Gavin replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

4) A leading member of MENSA found he had great difficulty in talking to other people due to his superior IQ. He decided to visit a scientist who could lower his intelligence just enough to have a
typical conversation. Now just sit back and relax said the scientist while strapping the machine to the man's head. It then showed his IQ: 200...199...198...197... While this was happening the phone began to ring. Distracted, the scientist went to talk to his friend who had rung. A few hours later he realised that the genius was still attached to the machine. He rushed in and looked at the
device: 6...5...4...3... The scientist quickly switched the machine off and revived the man, now, only with an IQ of 2. Oh my God are you all rite...speak to me! He asked. The man smiled back and started to sing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot**.."!

5) It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret. The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. She approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays rugby for England, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

6) A young boy approached his grandmother one day and he said to her: "Grandma, I don't want to live at home any more. My mother beats me and my father beats me." "Well," said his grandmother, "who do you want to live with?"
The boy replied: "I want to live with the England rugby team."
"Why is that?" his grandmother asked. "Because they don't beat anybody"

7) Dai was on his way home from the England v Wales match on Saturday when just after joining the M4 he ended up in a massive traffic jam. He wound down the window and thought to himself, “This seems bad, nothings moving at all.” He noticed a police officer walking back and forth, in and out of all the cars, so Dai shouts over, “Scuse me officer, what's going on then?” The officer replies, an “England fan, so depressed about losing to Wales today and the prospect of winning nothing again this year, he feels a right idiot for gobbing off saying England are the best team in the world, he's actually threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire!!” The officer goes on – “His family find him arrogant, and he hasn't got many mates. I'm just walking around taking up a collection for him.” “Oh tidy” says Dai, “how much have you collected so far?”
“So far,” replies the officer, “we've collected about 100 litres, but a lot of people are still
siphoning!!!”

8) Q: What do you get if you cross the England Rugby Team with an OXO cube?
A: A laughing stock!

9) Q: What do you do if you are locked in a cage with a lion, a tiger and an English fan and you have a gun with only two bullets?
A: Shoot the English fan (TWICE)

10) England had their training delayed for two hours today when one of their players discovered a suspicious white substance on the pitch. Andy Robinson took a look before calling the police. The drug squad investigated, but couldn't confirm that the substance was safe. Training was allowed to continue, though, as there was absolutely no chance of any of the England players getting near the try line.

11) Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table. One fellow said to the others, "Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there." His partner replied, "Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight." The third Englishman said, "Wait here chaps. I know how to do it." He went over to the Welshman and said, St David was a bloody sissy!", to which the Welshman replied, "Ah well you don't say!" and calmly resumed drinking his beer. The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, "St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!" The Welshman again replied, "You are quick as lightning, you don't say!" and calmly resumed drinking his beer. The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and screamed, "St David was an Englishman!" The Welshman replied: "That's what you're 'butties' were trying to tell me."

12) Jeremy Guscott dies when his car collides with a Sweet Chariot that was Swinging Low, just after the Wales v England match. He arrives at the pearly gates to be met by St Peter. "Jeremy, welcome to heaven," said Peter. "You have been allowed here because of your contribution to English rugby and the British Lions." "Thanks and all that," replied Jeremy. "But I am only coming
in as long as there are no Welsh . After what they did to England today, I never want to see a Welshman again."
"Don't Worry about that, there are no Welshmen here come on in..." The first few days were the best of Jerry's life, he had modelling contracts galore and he got to watch re-runs of all his tries on a massive cinema screen. He was happy. Until one day, he was walking back from the cinema when he saw a golden field, with two golden "H's". In the middle of the field was a man with glowing hair, golden boots and the scarlet red jersey of Wales. Every kick sent the golden rugby ball clean between the posts. Jerry hurried back to St Peter, fuming. "Look!! You promised me there were no Welshmen here! What is that over there!!!" "Oh that, don't worry, Jerry. That's God - he just thinks he's Welsh!"

DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

A YOUNG MAN CALLED LEE INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER.DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME LEE'S FLATMATE WAS.

SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT,SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN LEE AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, LEE VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, STUART & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, STUART CAME TO LEE SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?"

"WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID LEE, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

“DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE LEE.”

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, LEE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:

“DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH STUART, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH STUART, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM.”

LESSON OF THE DAY: DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

A few more "Customer Enquiries"

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are the opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".