A man walks into a bar…

… with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says “Pint please, and one for the road.”


… and sits next to a man with a dog at his feet.
“Does your dog bite?” he asked warily. “No, he doesn’t” A few minutes later the dog has a real go at his leg. “Hey, I thought you said that your dog didn’t bite.” “He doesn’t; that’s not my dog.”


… with a crocodile and asks if the barman serves lawyers. “Certainly,” says the barman. “Good,” says the man. A pint of bitter for me and a lawyer for the croc.

The Farmer

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, ...he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."