Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Disney has a lot to answer for!!

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald duck!”

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at  73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street.I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen TV, his DVR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder.......

(That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:

'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."



And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.

Big Brother's Watching You!!

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms
and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That's what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an
undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and
all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV,
where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

For higher IQs?

Acupuncture is a jab well done

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.