"I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight."
"I went to a fundraising cheese and wine party at the French Embassy. The ethos was very much liberté, egalité, canapé."
"I tell my friends I'm here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I'm only here for them on 24 July."
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’"
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
"A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy."
"I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well.'"
"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'"
"A Geordie said to me, 'Are yous looking at us?' How many mistakes can you make in one sentence?"
"I'm posh but I don't take any stick for it. It's like I always say, sticks and stones may break my bones but f*** it, I'm with Bupa."
“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
"I went to a fundraising cheese and wine party at the French Embassy. The ethos was very much liberté, egalité, canapé."
"I tell my friends I'm here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I'm only here for them on 24 July."
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’"
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
"A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy."
"I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well.'"
"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'"
"A Geordie said to me, 'Are yous looking at us?' How many mistakes can you make in one sentence?"
"I'm posh but I don't take any stick for it. It's like I always say, sticks and stones may break my bones but f*** it, I'm with Bupa."
“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
