My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" ... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.
When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.
I've had my patience tested. I'm negative.
If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I don't remember much from last night. But the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
