You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Sunday, May 22, 2005
For whom the Tells bowled
1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"
5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6) A thief ! broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on."
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the! first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.
10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them
and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping
one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"
5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6) A thief ! broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on."
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the! first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.
10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them
and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping
one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Story with a Moral
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
The Blond and the Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Useless Info but may bring a smile.......
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Saturday, April 23, 2005
A Message from the Wife!
THE WHYS OF MEN
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour lock
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know...it never happened
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour lock
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know...it never happened
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
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