Another Irish Joke

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leaves the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Conner Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE:-

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi Paddy, watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm
never trying dat parrotshotting either!". Always

ITS NOT OVER YET (even though you wish it was)


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Innocent Eyes!

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well,
we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden."

The Spell Checker

A poem for those of you who rely on their Spell Checker:-

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

The Offside Rule Explained for Ladies

This is to help with the world cup preparations so you can talk with knowledge

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

Not difficult to understand at all!

The Tax Inspector

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "..but we save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete nob."

This is creepy!

I received this email from a very good friend today and thought you might appreciate it.

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between
A and W.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.

.
.

.

.

.

.

.

Keep going ............................ . .

Don't stop . . ..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


Think of an

animal

that begins

with that letter.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Repeat it

out loud

as you

scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Think of

either a man's/woman's

name

that

begins

with the

last letter

in the

animals name

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Almost

there........

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Now

count out

the letters

in that name

on the fingers

of the hand

you are not

using to

scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Take the

hand you

counted with

and hold it out

in front of you

at face level

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Look at your

palm

very closely

and

notice

the

lines

in

your

hand

.

.

.

.

Do the lines

take the

form of the

first letter

in the

persons name?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. Of course they f**kin dont.......

.

.

.

.Now smack

yourself in the head, get a life,

and

quit playing

stupid

e-mail games!

.

.

.

.

Don't

tell the secret

to others,

just send

them this e-mail!