The customer is always right?

Customer: I have been ringing 0700 2300 for two days now and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?

Operator: Where did you get that number from?

Customer: It was on the door of your travel center

Operator: They are our opening hours.

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Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

Operator: I am sorry sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.

Caller: In your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Can you give me his number?

Operator: I think you mean the telephone point on the wall.

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Caller: Does your European breakdown policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?

Operator: Doesn’t the name of the product give you s clue?

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Caller: Can you give me the phone number for the knitwear company in Woven?

Operator: We have no record of a place called Woven, are you sure?

Caller: Yes, it clearly states on the label: Woven in Scotland.

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Tech Support: I need you to right-Click on the open desktop.

Customer: OK.

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: OK, Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: OK, can you please tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: Sure. You told me to write click and I wrote click.

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Tech Support: OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen you should see the “Start” button displayed.

Customer: Wow, how can you see my screen from there?

Why Men are so much better !!

Men Are Just Happier People—

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You are first in line to the throne.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water theme park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water theme park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £1,000+. Morning suit rental-£100

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend .

Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Totally stupid but they made me laugh!

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
"Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a
kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The
guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star
sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I
can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I
couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went
on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He
said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not
promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he
says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're
closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me
again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He
then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced
on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three
counts

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said
"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to
do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out
The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Life According to Peter Kay

PETER KAY THEORIES

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

PETER KAY'S QUESTIONS

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you here is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Family planning....

Age v Youth

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with old farts...experience and treachery will always overcome youth and muscle; polished bull-s--t and brilliance only come with age and experience.