Girlie Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said
"Listen bitch.....do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

What beer is for.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $64 on make up.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed make up to look pretty for me.

I told her that that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...

The Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

And they ask why I like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the
couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their
adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going
back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work,
but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite!!!
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest.

The Joys of Having Children

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!

Granted Wish

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take..! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives..; I want to know how she feels inside.., what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: “Nothing’s wrong”.., and how I can make a woman truly happy..!”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?