Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.

Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

'Is your Mummy there?'

' Yes '

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..

' ME . '

New Napa Valey Wine

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to
the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as ................................

PINO MORE

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

Money is the root of all evil??!!!!!!!!!!

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy testing kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'

TYPICAL WIFE!

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your W*lly was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got 9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new W*lly that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch W*lly before and you decide to go for a nine inch W*lly now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

E-mail reply ends up on road sign

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated".

So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.

"When they're proofing signs, they should really use someone who speaks Welsh," said journalist Dylan Iorwerth.

Swansea Council became lost in translation when it was looking to halt heavy goods vehicles using a road near an Asda store in the Morriston area

All official road signs in Wales are bilingual, so the local authority e-mailed its in-house translation service for the Welsh version of: "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only".

The reply duly came back and officials set the wheels in motion to create the large sign in both languages.

The notice went up and all seemed well - until Welsh speakers began pointing out the embarrassing error.