Three little DUCKS

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

50 THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f*&k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh!t.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f-ing people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

THE YEAR 1909

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1909.  One hundred years ago.  What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :
************ ********* *********
The average life expectancy was  47 years.

Fuel for a Ford Model R was sold in drug stores only

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel  Tower!

The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year ...

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!  Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair  once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of  Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea  Hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..
                                                                    
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health' (Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least  one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE !   U.S.A.!

Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1909

I can now show this to someone else without typing it myself.  From there, it can be sent to others all over the WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND

Prizes for quick responses

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'


4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Mourning the death of an old friend, Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

Nursing Home Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre
to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet Secretly each
night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold
Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed,
Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the
pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel
have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'