The New Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees..
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage...
Because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"

Bill Clinton's urinal

Before the  2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a  get acquainted  tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced  tea, he asked President  Bill Clinton if he could use his personal  bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he  was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold  urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the  urinal.

'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I could have a gold  urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something so  self-indulgent! '

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her  tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been  at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the  President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and  Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:


'I found out who pissed in your saxophone'

Magic Moments

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own  thoughts.....


Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin,  I'd have been gentler.'





Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Media approach to the news !

A bloke on a Triumph Bonneville is riding  past Bristol Zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The man jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with his motorcycle helmet. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man and returns her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the man says, 'That was the most unselfish and bravest thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life.' The man replies, 'Well, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and simply acted on instinct, it’s what anyone would do' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for The Daily Mail you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The man replies, ‘I was in the army for 30 years and was proud to serve my country, and now I’m retired I do charitable work with disabled children, and as it happens I vote Conservative’. The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “RACIST ARMY THUG ATTACKS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,  'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
 

Paddy replied, 'Not at all, Mick. Sure it's not rigged at all. My Wife won it twice last week".