Seniors Problems

 A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

Keep smiling 

Stranded Irishman

 An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, finally saw a speck on the horizon.

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.

Shaking her tresses, she walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

“Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !!"

Rules of Composition

 With the advent of the mobile phone and tablet, everyone seems to be taking photographs, and for many people all they want is a record of a holiday or family event or a special moment in their lives which they are happy to share with their friends and perhaps to look at some years later when it will bring back a fond memory of times past.

Some of us however want to take their photography one step further and turn it into a hobby which we can develop and improve. So we dispense with our point and shoot camera and stop using our phones and invest in a reasonably decent camera. Personally, although I had been taking pictures for almost 50 years, I only took it up as a serious hobby in 2010 when I purchased a Panasonic DMC-FZ38 prior to visiting Kenya on my first Safari.

To begin with, I looked at the 128 page manual, hardly understood a word, so set the camera to auto and went off on safari. I took some great photos but it was only after I joined a local camera club and started to learn about the art of composition that I began to actually look through the lens and think about what I was doing, instead of simply pointing the camera at an object and pressing the shutter.

Like me, I suspect that many new photographers get confused, or even totally put off, by such things as focal length, ISO, aperture, shutter speed, focusing, exposure, etc., etc., and while I believe that it is very useful to understand the more technical elements, and I shall be covering some of those in later articles, I do believe that the most important element for a new photographer to get to grips with, is Composition. All digital camera manufacturers spend a large amount of time and money on software to help the user get the correct camera settings to capture that shot and, as I did initially, if you set your camera on auto, the vast majority of time you will get technically good results. However the one thing that no camera is able to do, no matter how much money you have spent buying it, is compose a photo that is attractive to the eye.

So what do I mean by Composition? Putting it into its very basic form, composition can be said to be the way to create a photo that is aesthetically pleasing to the viewer. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Google “composition in photography” and you come up with such results as:- 20 Composition Techniques That Will Improve Your Photos: 10 Top Photography Composition Rules: 9 Top Photography Composition Rules You Need To Know: 18 Composition Rules For Photos That Shine: 5 Elements of Composition in Photography: 5 Easy Composition Guidelines: The 10 rules of photo composition (and why they work): 12 Rules for Effective Composition in Photography: etc., etc.!

While you will undoubtedly learn by reading all of those articles, (and I would suggest that you do in time), I will concentrate on a few simple rules that I follow. Before I go further, while some of these are called rules, remember rules are there to be broken. What I am trying to do is to encourage you to think about what you are trying to achieve when looking through the viewfinder. I will start then with something that you have probably already come across:-

The Rule of Thirds

Basically, if you imagine a photo divided into thirds, both horizontally and vertically, the main subject of the image should be where a vertical line cross a horizontal one, as in this photo of a leopard in the Serengetti. Also the branch runs along the bottom third of the frame. This is much more pleasing than if the leopard was bang in the centre of the image. 

Leopard In Serengeti

Many modern cameras allow you to place a grid in the viewfinder which can be used to place the object where two lines intersect. While we are talking about the Rule of Thirds, it is generally best to place the horizon on one of the thirds, rather than in the centre of the frame, dependant on whether the main points of interest are in the sky or on the ground. 

Leading Lines

These lead the viewers eyes into the picture either to the main subject or on a journey through the whole of the picture. In the image below of the Old Town in Stavanger, the viewer is taken into the picture by the lines of the timber boards of the building towards the centre while the curves of the pavement and road, coupled with the pedestrians walking down the road, help the viewer complete their journey.

Old Town Stavanger

Symmetry

To demonstrate that the rules are no more than guidelines, the next one contradicts the Rule of Thirds. If your image is symmetrical, then it could benefit from being centred either on the horizontal, or vertical centre line. This works particularly well for reflections, as is the case below, where the mute swan and its reflection are centred along the horizontal centre line, or for architecture where in the shot from the Dome of St Peter’s, the image is centred on the vertical line.

Mute Swan

View From Dome Of St Peters

Rule of Space

This rule is talking about giving the subject in the photo, space to move into the frame. This particularly applies to animals and vehicles. The first photo below, of a Secretary Bird, was taken on my first safari before I had begun to learn anything about photography and as you can see, it looks a little odd, with the bird looking out of the frame, and all the space behind it. The second image was taken three years later when I was aware of the need to give the subject some space to move into.

Secretary Bird

Secretary Bird

I hope you will agree that the second one looks more natural and is better on the eye.

Rule of Odds

Generally speaking, it is thought that photos with an odd number of subjects is more visually appealing and natural looking than those with an even number, where the viewers eyes may flick around the image, unsure of where to settle. The main reason that I have included this is that it gives me an excuse to include my award winning image of a three-headed giraffe. Other than this, which was a purely lucky shot, I do tend to use the rule of odds if taking a close up of flowers or the like.

Three Headed Giraffe

Patterns

I will close on patterns, which can be found everywhere, both in nature and architecture and the image below, which shows reflections in the Birmingham Symphony Hall, combines patterns with one of my personal favourite composition techniques, the use of reflections.

Birmingham Symphony Hall Reflections

I hope that I have given you a brief insight into composition and that when you next look through your viewfinder you will at least stop and think for a few seconds at what you are looking at and how the shot may be improved. But just remember, these rules, and all the others you will come across, are simply guide lines to help you go in the right direction, they are not railway tracks that you have to stick to rigidly. Finally I will end with the words of Pablo Picasso - “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.” 

Tony Murtagh

===============================================

As usual, my work is available to purchase as original  Wall Art, in a variety of formats from stretched canvas or framed prints, metal or acrylic prints,or simply as standard prints for you to mount in your favourite picture frame. They are also available as greeting cards or printed onto iPhone or Galaxy phone cases, throw pillows, duvet covers or tote bags. Simply click on the  image and you will be taken to my gallery where you will find full details.

Don't make old people mad!

 An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

 He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” . 

*Remember:* Don't make old people mad.  We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers

Stroke has a new indicator!

STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters..... 

S. T. R.    

STROKE IDENTIFICATION: 

During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ...she said  she had just tripped over a brick  because of her new shoes. 

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. 

Jane's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 PM Jane passed away) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. 

It only takes a minute to read this. 

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough. 

RECOGNIZING A STROKE 

Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR. Read and learn! 

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. 

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:   

S *    Ask the individual to SMILE.    

T *    Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A    SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(e.g. Chicken Soup)   

R *    Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. 

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number    immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. 

New Sign of a Stroke   -------- 

Stick out Your Tongue! 

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue. If the tongue is  'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke. 

A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this forwards it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

I have done my part. Will you?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DAD !!!!!!!!!!!

 Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

 "Like sitting around drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She says she is "only thinking of me," and suggested, I go down to the Senior Centre and hang around with some of the lads there.

So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You're 73 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled,

"Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.....