Guts or balls.

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions, but medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

The Winalot Diet

A real (allegedly) story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's..........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid idiot...........why else would I buy dog food??

And then the fight started.....

1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And then the fight started....

******************************************
3. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************
4. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************
5. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
6. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
7. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
8. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
9. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************
10. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Do you ever worry about the NHS at all? You should...

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Australian Sensitivity !

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and
tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference.

If you cry .. you're a wimp. If you don't ..... you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ...... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't .. you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ..... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.


Why do men die first?

Because they want to!