Remember this next time you book a hotel room

A woman checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."


She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted skills.


In the photo he had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed on, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, and whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now, how does that sound?"









He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Seniors

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.


"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.


"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."


"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.


"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"


"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.


"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.


"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.


"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.


The others nodded in agreement.


"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -.
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"Thank God we can all still drive."

Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.


'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'


'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'


The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'


The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

And God said.................

God Said, Adam I  want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?' 

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'


After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, '! What is it now?'

And Adam said

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YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!

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'What's a headache?'

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've  that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

The Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in, with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til next week."